The Sunburned Zebras

Report - Could Do Better.....

2010-02-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

Freemisco: An ever-present in the team, Freemisco enjoyed some fine moments, setting up a number of goals for the opposition with some precise passes and also burying a number of goals in the back of his own net.

He recovered from a poor start to win a number of important tackles over the closing weeks of the season and after misplacing his shooting boots for a number of games, he bounced back with a bang in the season finale. Despite that he scored a lot fewer goals than he should have done and was often rubbish in front of goal.

The player manager used some curious tactics - at one point he appeared to be trying to play off side - and often used his players in their wrong positions but overall his willingness to pay the money, wash the kit, drive the coach ensured that he retains his job for another year.

Magic Moment: Last-gasp equaliser in 4-4 draw.

Not-so-magic Moment: Breaking a 6-6 deadlock by driving the crucial goal into his own net and claiming he was trying to be cunning. Cunning stunt....

Grade: C+

Paildo: It was a tough season for the Man who would be Pele, as he struggled to make an impression. He did not help his cause by regularly making himself unavailable to go and watch Luton Town. Luton Town made themselves unpopular by not playing every Tuesday night and thereby allowing Paildo to make himself avialable.

The breaks did not go for Paildo - even though he caused Ricadisco's finger to be broken due to his lack of touch - and he struggled to find the net on a regular basis. Actually he struggled to find the net at all and failed to score in 2010.

However, he always did his best - even when he was being criticised by Freemisco for not trying - and produced a storming performance in the 4-4 draw.

Magic Moment: Losing the ball in the snow.

Not-so-magic-moment: The inch perfect back pass that set up the opening goal for the opposition. Breaking Ricadisco' sfinger - but not badly enough that he couldn't type....

Grade: D++

Latinaldo: Gave everything for the cause, routinely sacrificing his body in a forlorn bid to stem the tide. Apart from a couple of brief appearances in goal where he dived out of the way at every opportunity, evidently protecting his hands like a petrified schoolgirl, Latinaldo enjoyed a storming season on the pitch.

He scored some fine long-range efforts and might have had a hat trick on one occasion had greed not got the better of him.

His real value was at the back where he made plenty of goal-saving tackles, roaring into the challenge like his favourite player Gary Neville. Despite his dodgy knees, aching back and myriad other ailments and injuries, he rarely gave less than his all for the cause, even when he found himself exposed at the back and lit up like a Christmas tree.

Magic Moment: Firing home from the halfway line.

Not-so-magic Moment: Making Freemisco cry by not lending him hid gloves.

Grade: B

Tattersao: Generally rose above the wreckage and showed signs that he could actually play the game - in other words he betrayed his teammates by exposing their incompetence.

Magic Moment: More than most.

Not-so-magic Moment: Signing for another team. Judas.

Grade: B+

Bexfieto: The Own Goal Scorer in Chief was a menace whenever he found himself on the ball. Over the course of the season Bexfieto managed to deflect, nudge, curl and slice more balls into his own net than any single striker managed. Considering he often failed to turn up this was a fine achievement. He was even more of a liability in defence than Frank Sinclair - Frank Spencer was nearer the mark.

Bexfieto would often beat two players and then concede a free kick by launching a speculative shot on goal that soared high and wide. He would then shout at himself. This was funny. Although not quite as funny as when he shouted at Freemisco.

Magic Moment: Storming out after discovering we were playing Barnfield.

Not-so-magic Moment: Scoring two own goals and gifting at least three more in his role of Santa Claus in the pre-xmas win.

Grade: D

Reito: No player in history has hit the post more times. Reito seemed to specialise in bouncing the ball off the frame of the goal rather than hitting the net. Despite that he enjoyed a strong season and regularly scored the goals that helped the Zebras avoid total humiliation.

Magic Moment: Hitting the post four times in one match.

Not-so-magic Moment: Sacrificing his record of always turning up on account of snow.

Grade: B+

Austisco: On his day he showed why he once had a trial in Manchester (probably for impersonating a striker). Austisco regularly stormed through on goal and shot straight at the keeper. He also performed some nice tricks at the back, occasionally gifting the ball to the opposition and always accepting the blame. He did his best to calm Bexfieto at critical moments. Overall he did a fine job for the Zebras - when he wasn't busy cementing his place as one of England's premier fives players - and invariably enhance his value to the team by always offering to buy the drinks.

Magic Moment: Scoring 5 in the final victory.

Not-so-magic Moment: Missing a penalty by passing it straight to the goalkeeper.

Grade: B

Ricadisco: The Zebras' Horatius often stood alone against the odds, routinely defying the opposition with a series of miraculous saves, most of which involved him diving to his right and hoping for the best.

A modest and heroic goalkeeper, Ricadisco never criticised his teammates for their shit defending or held a grudge against Paildo for causing his finger to be broken on account of his carthorse-like touch. At least 98 percent of the goals he let in were either the fault of his defenders or were scored by Bexfieto or Freemisco.

He produced a magnificent performance to limit Barnfield to 21 goals in a game where everything fell apart and Freemisco and Bexfieto seemed more concerned wth shouting at each other than tackling.

Magic Moment: Too many to mention.

Not-so-magic Moment: Kicking a backpass through his own legs into the goal in admittedly treacherously snowy conditions.

Grade: B+

Double Whammy

2010-02-08T06:43:00.000-08:00

The Zebras closed out the season with a pair of victories that left them in fifth place in the final table.

An 8-0 thanks to a walkover victory - this was a tribute to the Special One refusing to play two games and after a season in which he has often been criticised he deserves all the credit for this victory - and a stirring fightback against the Galacticos made it a night to remember for the Zebras.

In truth it looked like it would be a typically unmemorable night. After playing some nice football and taking an early lead the Zebras contrived to allow an opposing striker to score a hat trick in less than 60 seconds as Freemisco and Latinaldo were lit up like Christmas trees at the back.

The Zebras continued to battle the odds but the game seemed all up when they fell 9-7 behind with seven minutes left as Paildo cunningly spread his legs at a free kick to allow an easy goal, one that did not do much for Ricadisco's sense of humour.

However, the Zebras stormed back. Austisco and Reito were in fine form, Latinaldo scored a stunner and Freemisco ran around in circles, tackling everything that moved and finally threatening to disappear up his own backside. The result was a burst of six goals in seven minutes to lift the Zebras to a 13-10 win and bring the curtain down on a solid season.

4-4

2010-01-26T19:44:00.001-08:00

The Zebras earned a 4-4 draw (and another moral victory) as they produced a heroic performance against La Galacticos.

Despite some spoon-footed shooting from the likes of Freemisco (not so much a banana shot as a banana boot), Latinaldo and Bexfieto, the Zebras fought back from 3-1 and 4-3 down to earn a deserved draw.

Paildo produced his best ever performance for the Zebras as he took on opponents and tackled as though his life depended on it, giving a fine impersonation of a ginger Kevin Nicholls with his enthusiasm and commitment.

Bexfieto proved that age is no barrier as he ran around to good effect, marshalling the back line and scoring just one own goal.

Latinaldo drilled home two goals and on another night would have scored a hat trick. Indeed, Latinaldo spent most of the second half searching in vain for his third, often spurning the chance to pass to better placed colleagues in his quest for glory. However, it was a fine display from Latinaldo who shrugged off his various ailments and moved about like a sprightly Heather Mills.

Freemisco tackled hard, shot high and wide early and often, gave the ball away frequnetly with an awful display of passing before salvaging a point at the death when he lashed home from an accute angle.

Reito had a quite game, failing to find the net but hitting the post with monotonous regularity. He ended the game in a trance after taking the ball in the face as it rebounded out after a miraculous save from Ricadisco.

Ricadisco was in majestic form. He produced a series of fine saves to repel the Galacticos in the early stages after they had been played in by Freemisco. In the second half he made some more fine stops, including one gravity-defying leap to stop the ball going in just when it seemed as if he might score an own goal with his nose. In short he was brilliant - even when given no chance by Bexfieto wildly slashing the ball into his own net - and was the main reason for the Zebras securing a point.

(Seriously, who writes this shit?)

Arse

2010-01-19T19:37:00.000-08:00

A depleted and weary Zebras team slid to a 13-7 loss against more youthful opponents.

Bexfieto's craven decision not to play left a gaping hole in the ranks and with Paildo, Austisco and Tattersao otherwise engaged, Freemisco was forced to call up Lito at the last moment to give the Zebras the bare bones of a five-man team.

Freemisco sprung a surprise in pushing Ricadisco into a forward role and giving Latinaldo the gloves.

This did not look to be working very well as the Zebras quickly fell behind 6-1 with Latinaldo failing to get close to anything that came his way (possibly because he kept diving the wrong way) and Ricadisco executing one or two nice flicks but generally lumbering around like a blind donkey.

A brief rally cut the gap to 6-3 at the break, including a sublime goal from Ricadisco who drilled the ball into the top corner from a tight angle for the best finish seen by a Zebra player this year. It was a quality strike by a quality player - albeit a slow, blind player - and illustrated that the man known as the Silver Bullet can still produce the goods.

Latinaldo and Ricadisco swapped roles in the second half as Ricadisco's lungs threatened to punch their way through his ribs in protest. Reito hit his third goal of the night to make it 6-4 and Latinaldo quickly set up a goal with a sweeping free kick - sadly he swept it straight to the opposition striker.

Reito made it 7-5 before Freemisco hit the post and then the Zebras were finally swamped by the constant substitutions by their opponents. Lito performed heroically in defence, making some crucial tackles and coming close to getting sent off for a couple of desperate tackles as he battled to turn back the tide.

Latinaldo drove home a fine long range effort but a late flurry of goals made it 13-7 as energy levels dipped and the valaint Zebras' rearguard were overrun.

At the end there was no doubt that the villain of the piece was the absent Bexfieto - a player who has not been seen since he gave away loads of goals with his crap defending in the last game before Christmas.

Of further concern for the Zebras is that El Spoonfoot, Freemisco, has mustered fewer goals in 2010 than Ricadisco.

Victory

2010-01-13T17:20:00.001-08:00

Apparently the Zebras won 8-0 without even taking the field in the week after Christmas.

Hurrah.

Oh... We Lost Another One?

2010-01-13T17:14:00.001-08:00

The Zebras renewed their aquaintances with Amigos and duly lost for the fourth time in four meetings.

Positivies were few and far between for the Zebras once they had fallen behind to an early goal, Ricadisco's first touch coming when he was required to pick the ball out of the net after about 17 seconds.

Freemisco put in his most impressive tackling performance of the... well, ever, actually and Austisco scored a couple of fine goals and also set up another with a brilliant piece of control and touch passing. Unfortunately he set this goal up at the wrong end.

Latinaldo hurt various parts of his ageing body while Paildo struggled to make an impact in his lone striker role. Freemisco also failed to score despite being presented with a number of relatively easy chances.

Reito returned to the side and played his customary part up front while Ricadisco made a number of smart saves diving to his right while giving his standard impersonation of a statue when the ball headed towards the left hand corner.

All in all it's fair to say the Zebras have had better days.

The Ginger Nightmare

2010-01-13T16:40:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time

Not so long ago

Paildo's got some holes in his socks

He muffed another strike

He's down on his luck... it's tough, so tough

The Zebras don't want him to play

He's bad on the ball, he's got feet of clay

They've all had enough... enough

They say we can't hold on to what we've got

Cause it doesn't make a difference

If the goal's open or not

Paildo's shooting is a load of old rot

It's rot - Paildo should be shot

Whooah, he's got ginger hair

Whooah, he's a football nightmare

Give him a chance and he'll blaze wide I swear

Whooah, the ginger nightmare

Paildo's got the touch of a rock

He missed another chance

He's down on his luck... it's tough, so tough

The Zebras want him sent on his way

He was awful last night

How he missed that chance... no way... no way

We can't hold on to what we got

Cause it doesn't make a difference

If the goal's open or not

Paildo couldn't piss in a pot

Pisspot - Paildo's pisspot

Whooah, he's got ginger hair

Whooah, he's a football nightmare

Set him up and he'll slice it I swear

Whooah, the ginger nightmare

He's had his chances but missed the lot

He broke the corner flag with a wayward shot

Whooah, he's got ginger hair

Whooah, he's having a mare

One on one and he'll miss and won't care

Whooah, the ginger nightmare

The ginger nightmare!

Snow Joke.

2010-01-06T06:53:00.000-08:00

The Zebras snow-ploughed their way to another defeat as they lost 11-7 in conditions that could charitably be described as ridiculous.

A combination of the Special One's natural incompetence and bad luck left the Zebras with just five players after Bexfieto opted out at the last moment and Reito was trapped in Leighton Buzzard. Needless to say it was all Freemisco's fault.

The Zebras did not start well and despite some good saves by Ricadisco they quickly found themselves 2-0 down.

Heavy snow was making it difficult to locate the ball and maintain footing and players were soon sliding all over the place.

Freemisco pulled one back before Ricadisco, apparently suffering from snow blindness, basically contrived to blast a slow-moving shot into his own net.

A moment of high farce arrived when neither Paildo, Ricadisco or the opposition striker could find the ball in the middle of the pitch. Fortunately the light from Paildo's flaming ginger hair provided him with the opportunity to locate the ball and hack it to safety.

Paildo's ginger hair shone like a belisha beacon of hope in the arctic conditions as the Zebras humped the ball forward for him to lose control and give possession back to the other team.

Latinaldo pulled a goal back before Freemisco had an emotional moment.

Freemisco was reduced to tears by the cold and claimed he could not go on without gloves, clearly dreading that never again would he be able to hold the love of his life in his arms once the frost bite had kicked in. Fortunately the manly Latinaldo took decisive action, giving Freemisco his own gloves and calling him a cunt.

Austisco drove home the equaliser and the Zebras were surprised to find themselves level at 3-3 at halftime, although not as surprised as their opponents who spent the break squabbling among themselves in a petulant manner reminiscent of Freemisco on the cricket pitch.

The Zebras went 4-3 down when Ricadisco was beaten from long range by a shot he did not see but the plucky Zebras continued to trade blows, pulling level again at 4-4. It was 5-4 moments later as the Zebras midfield parted as Freemisco bent down to tie his lace up (plimsolls don't come with velcro) and despite a double save from Ricadisco the ball ended up in the net. However, Austisco fired home to make it 5-5 and hope and parity were restored.

The game turned on two controversial incidents. The Crazy Gang took a 6-5 lead after scoring a goal from deep inside the area that should have been disallowed. However, it was controversially given.

Moments later Ricadisco pulled off a marvellous save but unfortunately Freemisco, disorientated by the snow and waddling about like Captain Oates on his last legs, ploughed into the area like Santa going down the wrong chimney and blasted the ball into his own net for his first own goal of the year (and about his eighth of the season).

The Zebras fell further adrift but they kept fighting to the end, closing the gap to 11-7 at the final whistle. Freemisco and Austisco both scored three - Freemisco rolled another shot inches wide of his own goal - and honour was satisfied at the end of the game, a game that ended with Ricadisco narrowly failing to save a slow-rolling shot from distance.

Another defeat but another moral victory for the Special One's team on a night when the snow fell, the temperature plummeted and the Zebras proved they can lose in any conditions.

Return Of The Ginger Pele

2010-01-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

Love is in the air for Freemisco.

The Special One is currently full of goodwill and kindness for his fellow man and has extended an olive branch to Paildo.

It looked as if Paildo had played his last game as a Zebra after bungling a routine clearance and setting up an opposition striker with the chance to break Ricadisco's finger.

However, Freemisco has decided to bring back the Ginger Pele, a move that will increase the Zebras' options off the bench, although not necessarily a move that will improve their prospects of victory.

This exclusive picture shows the Ginger Pele raising a glass of refreshing orange juice to celebrate his recall.

Welcome back, Paildo!

The New Midfield General

2010-01-03T13:37:00.001-08:00

The Special One is considering sweeping changes as the Zebras prepare to return to action.

After insisting on choosing just six players for each previous squad, the wondrous Freemisco is rumoured to have decided to select seven players for the next game.

He is reportedly considering Latinaldo for a new role.

The Zebras have struggled to find a player to make an impact in the midfield.

At least a positive impact - Freemisco himself has used his ample frame to try and fill the void but has invariably only succeeded in blasting the ball into his own net, setting up the opposition with precision passes and generally lumbering around to no great effect.

Therefore Latinaldo is now being lined up to fill the role of midfield general.

This is a big promotion for a player who has previously spent time at the back and, on occasion, gormlessly wandering around as a striker, apparently only pushed up front to disguise Freemisco's own shortcomings or because the only alternative was the Ginger Pele, Paildo.

Latinaldo was so pleased with the news that he is being promoted to midfield general that he rushed out and bought the uniform.

Unfortunately he didn't quite understand what Freemisco was driving at...

Christmas Comes Early But Zebras Storm Home

2009-12-16T05:27:00.000-08:00

Bexfieto played the role of Santa Claus to perfection, scoring two own goals and setting up two more for the Multiple Scoregasms, but the Sunburnt Zebras proved unstoppable in front of goal as they stormed to a 17-9 victory.

The Zebras took charge early in the piece on a freezing cold night. With Latinaldo joining former Zebra Paildo at a chav pop concert, Bexfieto, Tattersao, Freemisco and Reito did enough to build a 3-0 lead.

Things were briefly allowed to slip when Austisco replaced Reito. Austisco ran around like a ballet dancer with a wasp in his tights, contribtuing to the opposition's opening goal as he failed to make an impact. Poor defending by Bexfieto culminated in him deflecting the ball past Ricadisco but the Zebras hit back to take a commanding 8-4 lead into halftime.

The goals continued to come in the second half as all the Zebras found the net, Bexfieto displaying far more poise going forward than defending. He gifted another goal to the opposition when he allowed himself to be turned inside out like an erotic dancer with her pole and also prodded another own goal past the disgruntled Ricadisco which made you wonder if he had been taking lessons from Freemisco.

All in all it was a good night for the Zebras as they found their shooting boots - Freemisco's shooting plimsolls brought him a numebr of goals but also conceded a number of free kicks as he routinely leaned back to shoot in the manner of a Subbuteo corner kicker - while Tattersao banged in a number of goals.

It was also a good night for the opposition as they enjoyed their early presents from Bexfieto.

Is A 12-3 Loss A Moral Victory?

2009-12-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

Following last week's unfortunate 21-2 defeat against Barnfield, the Zebras were less than thrilled to discover that they were facing the same opponents.

This was another piece of brilliance from the tournament organisers and did not go down well with Zebra management or players.

The Special One, Freemisco, briefly threatened to refuse to play while Bexfieto actually stormed out of the building after discovering the identity of the opposition.

To be fair to Bexfieto, much of his anger was directed at Freemisco who had cunningly picked a five-man squad.

With Reito and Tattersao relaxing on a beach somewhere, and Paildo exiled forever, Freemisco recalled Vanhoino and Brodhiinosa. Unfortunately both bailed out at a late stage (excuses ranged from iffy to poor) which meant it was impossible for Freemisco to call up replacements.

Consequently an indignant Bexfieto found himself lining up alongside Freemisco, Latinaldo, Austisco and Ricadisco.

Not for the first time things did not begin well as the Zebras argued among themselves over tactics. The portly Freemisco insisted that he should stay at the back to marshal the defence, despite the fact that he floats around with all the speed and verve of a leaking air ship.

Eventually he was forced to push forward with Latinaldo and Bexfieto holding the line. This worked so well that Barnfield hit the post before the Zebras touched the ball.

Chances began to come for Barnfield and it was no real surprise when they broke Ricadisco's gallant resistance to open the scoring. Despite Bexfieto's best attempts to waste time and hold on to the ball, a lack of fitness and skill began to tell as Austisco and Freemisco were unable to saty with their runners. The result was a 4-0 lead and the very real prospect of the Zebras being blanked.

However, the Zebras got the goal they deserved when Freemisco found the back of the net. He was so pleased with this effort that he promptly unleashed a free kick which sailed over head height, thus conceding another free kick and setting up a quick counter attack which would have ended in disaster but for a combination of brilliant goalkeeping and crap finishing. Nevertheless the Zebras trailed 5-1 at the break, an improvement on 10-1 from the previous week.

Sadly the second half did not begin well. Bexfieto spat the dummy, raging at Freemisco that, "You're fucking shit! Don't fucking tell me how to play football!"

That led to a disastrous burst of three goals in two minutes, Freemisco setting up one goal with a beautiful pass that begged to be slammed into the net, as he threatened to stop trying because his father-figure, the ageing Bexfieto, had shouted at him.

Surprisingly the Zebras rallied. Austisco used conciliatory language to get the team back on track (as befits a man of Brazilian and Swiss heritage) and Freemisco cut the gap to 10-2.

Austisco missed a sitter but was rewarded with a penalty. He took the kick himself but produced a lame shot, worthy of a lame child (or a Wolves player) which was easily saved, but the kick was ordered to be retaken. Freemisco stepped up to ram the ball home to complete his hat-trick and the Zebras had life at 10-3.

Not much life.

The midfield was overrun in the closing stages as Freemisco decided that he'd done his bit. Latinaldo and Bexfieto produced some tough tackles but were swamped by attackers and only some sensational goalkeeping kept the score down to 12-3.

However, it represented a triumph for the Zebras as they conceded nine fewer goals and bagged one more than last week; if they can maintain this rate of improvement they should beat Barnfield the next time they play them; which knowing the brilliant organsiational skills at Stopsley should be next week.

Freemisco Shoots! Freemisco Scores! Another Bloody Own Goal!

2009-12-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

For the fourth time in five games, Freemisco sent an unstoppable shot crashing past his own goalkeeper.

Whereas the other three goals had simply added to the scale of defeat, this one proved crucial as it gave Amigos a 6-5 lead with minutes to play, thereby ruining a heroic effort from the Sunburned Zebras.

Following hard on the heels of their slightly disappointing 21-2 defeat earlier in the evening, the Zebras produced a masterful display to take a 1-0 lead at halftime against the strongly fancied Amigos who had won all three previous meetings between the teams.

Reito's goal separated the teams at the break after a half that saw some outstanding defensive play from Bexfieto and Latinaldo (Freemisco was parked on the bench for a good portion of the half) and some fine saves from Ricadisco. Tattersao played heroically up front as he roamed and rambled around like a short, fat, white Drogba and the only real controversy came when Freemisco walked into the way of a softly thrown football and had to be spoken to by the referee after complaining.

The Zebras hopes of a famous victory started to collapse after the break. Freemisco conceded a free kick that led to the equaliser before he went down in the corner, crumpling in a heap, evidently the victim of a Floyd Mayweather pile driver. The referee waved play on and the Zebras found themselves 2-1 down. Moments later it was 4-1 as Freemisco once again displayed his concinetious objections to defending.

However, the Zebras stormed back. Latinaldo curled home a glorious shot as his intended cross-filed pass was caught by the wind and blown into the bottom corner. Tattersao made it 4-3 and then Freemisco found the speck of gold that lay inside the sack of shite that was his performance on the night to make it 4-4 with a thunderous effort.

Even after the Amigos made it 5-4 Bexfieto stormed through the defence to equalise and then missed a glorious chance to make it 6-5.

And then disaster struck.

Freemsico, for once breaking the habit of a lifetime by tracking back and trying to mark his man, stretched for a cross. In his own mind he was trying to be crafty, hoping to play a quick one-two with his own goal post before setting off up field on a barnstorming run.

Unfortunately Freemisco proved to be about as crafty as a retard who has been expelled from Crafty School for being utterly un-crafty.

He reached for the ball and lashed a shot past Ricadisco, sending the ball into the bottom corner of the net, to condemn the Zebras to another defeat.

To be fair you win as a team and lose as a team but sometimes - and last night was certainly one of those times - you lose because you have Freemisco in your team.

21 Fucking 2

2009-12-02T07:19:00.001-08:00

The Sunburned Zebras enjoyed a torrid evening as they dropped a heart-breaking 21-2 loss to Barnfield.

On a freezing cold night, the Zebras' six-man squad was exposed by the elements and a younger, swifter, more talented opposition.

Following the announcement that Paildo had been given a free transfer and apparently played his last game in the famous pink and black stripes, Freemisco named his customary six-man squad. Bexfieto briefly threatened to walk out in protest but eventually stayed to play his part.

In many ways the game was all about Freemisco.

Not only did he get his tactics and squad selection wrong (as usual) he also produced the worst performance ever seen by a Zebra player.

Quite simply he was abject, routinely giving the ball away, failing to make regulations tackles or track his man, allowing opponents to waltz through the midfield area he claimed to be protecting and generally proving about as effective as a chocolate teapot. The only time he got a shot on target all game was when he intercepted an aimless cross-field pass and blasted it into his own net.

In truth it was not a great performance as Barnfield hit the post twice and Ricadisco made four fine saves before the floodgates opened.

Reito and Tattersao both scored good goals to avoid the ignominy of a shut out but with Freemisco encouraging the opposition to score at will as he delivered a fine impersonation of a pink and black lettuce, it was no surprise that the Zebras were overrun.

Ricadisco performed heroics in goal, turning away numerous goal bound shots and for once failing to dive over any soft shots or let the ball roll through his legs. It mattered not that he was beaten 21 times as he still turned in a man of the match performance, although in the greater scheme of things the man who played the key role in Barnfield racking up 21 goals was, of course, Freemisco.

Freemisco Wears Black Plimsolls

2009-11-25T07:10:00.000-08:00

The Sunburnt Zebras stormed into second place in the league with a thrilling win as they overcame 11 members of the opposition, the elements and a referee with even less idea than usual.

Freemisco made a number of changes. Latinaldo was axed to allow him to watch Liverpool start their assault on Europa League glory and Paildo was left out as part of the squad rotation and because he had originally intended to go to Mansfield, not because he had had a shocker the previous week. Ricadisco returned in goal in place of Latinaldo after recovering from injury.

In their place came the ancient Bexfieto, a sprightly 42-year old sweeper with good positional sense and no legs or lungs, and the combative Brodiinhosa.

The Zebras started with their strongest ever five-man line-up, Ricadisco, Freemisco, Reito, Tattersao and Brodiinhosa.

They promptly went 1-0 down thanks to the obligatory deflected goal.

However, after that the ball was changed and the Zebras played their younger, fitter, more numerous opponents off the park.

The Zebras pulled back on level terms but were then slightly bemused when Luton Irish made four substitutions in one go, despite the fact that the league only allows eight men in a squad.

(Needless to say the Special One does not agree with eight-,an squads and continues to insist on six-man rotations.)

The Zebras gradually took control, opening up a 6-4 lead despite Ricadisco allowing a slow moving cross-cum-shot to roll through his legs and Reito blazing over when it seemed easier to score. They should also have been awarded a penalty but a blatant handball was missed by the referee. Bexfieto, resplendent in Colin Keeley autograph boots, also gave away a free kick when attempting a shot on goal as the ball sailed into orbit.

Luton Irish rallied in the closing moments of the half and subjected the Zebras goal to a fearsome assault and should have scored at least three or four goals. However, Ricadisco enjoyed a rare purple patch and was outstanding, turning away the barrage of goal-bound shots, as the Zebras took a 6-5 lead into the break.

The second half was a triumphant procession. Tattersao scored a wondrous goal from wide on the left and Freemisco sliced one into the bottom corner of the net after he failed to control it properly and it bounced off the edge of his plimsoll. To be fair it was a fine goal and Freemisco will be only too happy to tell anyone who cares to listen about it. He will also be happy to tell anyone prepared to listen that he does not wear plimsolls.

The desperate opposition tried to counter by taking free kicks to themselves (which the referee allowed), kicking and hacking (which the referee allowed) and making multiple illegal substitutions (guess what, the referee allowed them as well).

It didn't mattered as Brodiinhosa marshaled the back line and Reito and Tattersao passed and moved to good effect while Freemisco sought to bathe in the glory and adulation of his sliced wundergoal.

Ultimately the Zebras won 10-8 (though this does not accurately reflect the referee's problems with complex sums) and bagged another three points to move into second place.

God knows how, mind you.

Random Thoughts On Two Defeats....

2009-11-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

Losing 21-6 is one thing; losing 21-6 having only been adrift 7-3 at the break is something else, especially when the goalkeeper is comfortably the best player on the pitch during the second half.

Freemisco's tactics in that dreadful second half were totally and utterly wank; at one point it appeared as though the Zebras were employing a flat back four and attempting to play the opposition offside.

Basically it was a bit crap, not least when Freemisco blasted one into his own net.

For once there was no chance of blaming the loss on the referee because the Zebras were truly awful.

The 15-6 loss wasn't too impressive either (although this was later turned into a win by default on account of the opposition failing to turn up).

Paildo produced perhaps the worst performance by a Zebra not named Freemisco, setting up the opening goal for the opposition and then being involved in Ricadisco's injury that forced the goalkeeper to go off with wrecked fingers. Freemisco blasted another one into his own net.

Latinaldo took over and let in a lot of goals with bad positional sense and by refusing to dive and earned the scorn and ire of his manager.

No one played well.

The Referee's A Wanker

2009-11-05T06:32:00.000-08:00

The Sunburnt Zebras kicked off their new league season with an epic victory against the odds, overcoming Jack FC 11-10 with a late goal from Tattersao.

It was a fitting reward for the Zebras who were forced to play against six men for the entire first half due to a refereeing display of breathtaking incompetence that was too biased even to be regarded as cheating. Put kindly, the referee was a blind, clueless, incompetent twat.

After the referee delayed the start of the match by 20 minutes because he needed to have a cup of coffee, the Zebras started strongly, surging into a 2-0 lead after good play from Freemisco, Latinaldo, Reito and Tattersao. With the skillful Vanhoino omitted again in favour of the more hard-working flame-haired Paildo (despite Paildo's request to be dropped), the Zebras continued to impress.

Although their opponents gradually fought back the Zebras remained on top. The Zebras were denied a blatant penalty by Referee Twat before Reito missed the opportunity to make it 5-2. The Zebras stretched their lead to 6-4 before Tattersao was sent to the sin bin for questioning another shit decision.

The Zebras briefly lost their composure as Freemisco threatened to have a tantrum before blasting the ball out of play and it was 6-5 at the break, with Tattersao facing another 90 seconds in the sin bin.

Latinaldo took charge at the start of the second half, resolving to keep possession until the Zebras were back to full strength. Unfortunately he was bundled off the ball from the restart and the score was levelled at 6-6 within about 6.3 seconds of the game getting underway again.

With Tattersao detained at Referee Twat's convenience and pleasure for nearer six minutes than the prescribed three, the Zebras fell behind 7-6. Freemsico petulantly slammed a free kick into an opponent's arse and the rebound fell kindly for a Jack striker.

The Zebras hit back to make it 8-8 before Ricadisco was beaten by a vicious swerving shot that appeared to deflect off a divot and just beat his desperate dive (OK, it was a really, really shit piece of goalkeeping).

However, the refreshed Tattersao was in inspirational form and the Zebras took a 10-9 lead before Jack equalised with a couple of minutes remaining. With the next goal looking to prove decisive both teams had chances to win. Ricadisco atoned for his earlier error with three surprisingly good saves (good by any standard but simply exceptional for a blind man who relies on the force as much as his eyesight) before Reito and Tattersao combined for the crucial goal.

Despite the referee playing extra time to allow Jack to search for an equaliser and Freemisco failing to grasp the concept of time-wasting, the Zebras held on to start their new campaign with a victory on a night when five - and sometimes four - was better than six.

Very Special

2009-10-28T10:58:00.001-07:00

The Special One led his team to victory against the Multiple Scoregasms with one of the finest individual performances ever seen on a football pitch.

He towered over his teammates and opponents like a behemoth, a tyrannosaurus rex among lesser dinosaurs (or a bunch of old fossils).

Freemisco was in a frisky mood from this outset - a mood that may have been the result of warming up for the game by indulging in a game of touch rugby with Paildo with both players apparently wearing nothing more than their boxer shorts. Regardless, Freemisco was full of beans and eager to get to grips with the opposition.

Unfortunately he missed the start of the match after getting lost on his way to the toilet and played no part in the Zebras going down 2-0 in the early moments. The Zebras were utterly lost without their inspirational leader and didn't know what to do without the tactical genius on hand to call the shots.

A sublime pass from Paildo set up a third goal for the opposition but by this time Freemisco was on the pitch and running the show. He single-handedly orchestrated the comeback from 4-1 down to make it 4-4 at halftime.

This was Freemisco's finest hour. Despite his exhausting bout in his boxer shorts prior to kickoff, Freemisco delivered a Trojan-like performance, running up and down the pitch with lung-bursting endeavour.

The Special One slammed in four goals, bending in a free kick, bursting the net from long range and adding two more as he produced his best performance of the season. Furthermore Freemisco only served up one goal on a platter for the opposition as he kept his errant passes to a minimum and managed to avoid the gormless errors that have plagued him all season.

In contrast Paildo seemed to be suffering from the effects of his pre-match workout and was pretty dreadful, repeatedly displaying the touch of a rapist. His white boots may have sparkled beneath the floodlights but his first touch was reminiscent of Peter Sutcliffe let loose on a football pitch.

Reito also bagged a hat trick and Latinaldo scored twice while Austisco added the remaining goal. Ricadisco pulled off a number of stunning saves but none of the players could be compared to Freemisco. They were merely bit-part players alongside the legendary Special One.

This was Freemisco's time to shine, his day in the sun, the day where he atoned for five weeks of utterly wank performances with one redeeming heroic effort.

Well played, Freemsico.

Same Shit, Different Day

2009-10-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

The lights went out on the Sunburned Zebras as they crashed to another defeat on a night defined by betrayal.

The Special One had already been basely betrayed by Paildo and Latinaldo - both of whom preferred to watch football rather than stand alongside their comrades - before Vanhoino's body betrayed him and the playmaker's knee buckled beneath him and he had to be helped to the sidelines.

The Zebras played some fine football, Vanhoino slamming in a couple of early goals, Paginho scoring a cracker and Freemisco himself scoring with a twice-taken penalty. Reito gave everything for the cause and Ricadisco made some tremendous saves, including blocking one point blank effort with his testicles, a save that left his eyes watering.

Ultimately it was to no avail. Freemisco's patented impression of a traffic cop betrayed the team again as he allowed strikers to run through on goal unmolested. Freemisco set the tone with the opening goal as he stood statue-like as the striker crashed the ball home to cancel out a short-lived Zebra lead.

Wimo unleashed the worst shot in the history of football, blazing 25 feet over form the edge of the box. The referee was typically useless and biased against the Zebras, making some curious decisions that hardly helped the cause.

All in all, not an especially good day out.

Children Are The Future

2009-10-19T14:31:00.001-07:00

The Special One faces a crisis ahead of the Zebras latest game with players dropping by the wayside.

Paildo has pulled out again to watch non-league football and Latinaldo has turned his back on the sqaud after the Special One refused to drive him to Milton Keynes on Sunday morning. Two-sport star Austisco is also unavailable.

Consequently the Special One has put his faith in youth and selected two of the youngest members of the squad for the match, Wimo and Paginho, spurning the claims of the ageing Bexfieto who had been hoping for a recall.

Ricadisco

Freemisco

Wimo

Paginho

Vanhoino

Reito

Heartache

2009-10-15T03:46:00.001-07:00

The Special One paid a heavy price for falling out with star man Paildo hours before kickoff as the Zebras crashed to a heartbreaking last minute loss to Sporting Lesbian.

Paildo pulled out at the eleventh hour, rumoured to be unhappy about the manner in which the Special One had persistently run around their shared living accommodation lifting plates above his head in triumph while shouting, "I've won the Community Shield!"

Paildo's absence meant that the Zebras were forced to play with just six men. Therefore it was particularly ironic that Freemisco - who had already given away five of the first six goals with the combination of his rapist's touch and lack of positional awareness - was culpable for the winning goal in the dying seconds.

Freemisco's fading fitness meant he was unable to react to Ricadisco's perfectly weighted throw. With Freemisco labouring towards the ball like a mortally wounded woolly mammoth, the Lesbian striker pounced, nipping into steal the ball before unleashing a lethal strike that rocketed into the corner of the net to make it 7-6 with seconds remaining.

There was no way back.

Despite the result the Zebras produced a gallant performance. There were heroes everywhere as the Zebras battled back from 5-3 and 6-5 down to stand on the verge of gaining a well deserved point.

Vanhoino had a fine game (apart from when he set up an opposition goal with a pass so bad that Freemisco would have been ashamed), Austisco scored with a cracking shot, Latinaldo ran around to great effect and gave his knees and lungs for the cause, Ricadisco pulled off save after save, Reito was inspired and even Freemisco had a couple of nice touches.

Freemisco scored one fine goal, albeit a strike that could not quite balance out his myriad errors. He also made a couple of interceptions and did a nice job of carrying the ball from side to side without making any real progress, bossing his own third of the pitch like a slow moving crab.

In fact this may have been Freemisco's best game of the season, scoring one, making one and only giving away five. Even then he had an excuse ready as he gift-wrapped a perfect scoring chance to his opponent, like one of Santa's little elves handing over a present. Freemisco blamed his latest blunder on Ricadisco because the goalkeeper had shouted at him and put him off...

If only he could pass a ball like he passes the buck.

Still, it's a team game and the Zebras win as a team and lose as a team so this is the time to stick together, show solidarity with one another and not place the blame on any one individual. Remember, there is no 'i' in team. But. as Freemisco knows only too well, there is a 'div' in individual!

Two In A Row?

2009-10-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

The Special One has announced a seven-man squad to take on Sporting Lesbian FC. The manager is promising to play sexy football - apparently his team have been given a license to roam - as the Sunburned Zebras look to make it two wins in a row.

It's rare for a couple of the Zebras to be officially given a license. According to Latinaldo both Freemisco and Paildo obtained their licenses unofficially by stumping up the necessary wherewithal and handing over an envelope full of cash to a local forger in exchange for the documents that let them loose on the roads.

Freemisco has reacted angrily to criticism of his performances in the first three games. This is a good sign as it would be very disappointing if he was happy with the form he has shown thus far. Indeed, if he were happy with the level of his performances to date it would mean that he is a very average player, one more capable of creating goal-scoring opportunities for the opposition than for his own team.

Freemisco's ability to split his own defence open with a catastrophic pass and persistent negligence in picking up his man has directly resulted in 27% of the goals (approximately) that the Zebras have conceded thus far.

Freemisco has promised that he will play with the verve and touch of a young Zinedine Zidane - presumably this means that he will be looking to headbutt an opponent at the earliest opportunity.

In the unlikely event that Freemisco is able to live up to his extravagant claim that he is the new Zidane, the Zebras will surely storm to victory and give the Lesbians a licking.

Ricadisco

Latinaldo

Paildo

Austisco

Freemisco

Reito

Vanhoino

15-2

2009-10-11T08:47:00.001-07:00

It was a triumph for player power as the Sunburned Zebras ignored their manager's negative tactics and cast off the shackles to produce a scintillating performance.

After being held in check for so long by the Special One's gormless faith in zonal marking and defensive approach to the beautiful game, the Zebras poured forward against their opponents, unleashing wave after wave of attacks on the Multiple Scoregasm goal.

The result was a 15-2 triumph for the five players - Ricadisco, Latinaldo, Paildo, Reito and Vanhoino. Freemisco also played a part but it was largely restricted to giving away the second goal by his refusal to track back and mark his man. He did score a penalty but by that stage the hard work and flowing football of his teammates had done the damage.

There were heroes everywhere - especially at the start when Freemisco was left to watch proceedings unfold from the sideline.

Paildo produced some glorious touches in his shining white boots, footwear that lit up the Stopsley night far more effectively than the floodlights.

Latinaldo was superb, covering every balde of plastic as he ran around tirelessly in circles like the love child of Heather Mills and Jamies Carragher, eventually threatening to vanish up his own backside.

Reito was nerveless in front of goal, taking advantage of a number of opportunites that came his way and beating the keeper with clinical ease.

Vanhoino excelled after missing an early penalty - a miss that brought loud condemnation from his own manager. Vanhoino grew in stature as the game progressed, threading killer passes through to Reito and taking on the keeper when the opportunity allowed. He also did a fine job at the back, covering runners and marshalling the back line until Freemisco betrayed him with his wanton lack of effort.

Despite Freemisco's casual approach to defending he was frequently bailed out by a stunning display in goal from Ricadisco. The goalkeeper kept a clean sheet in the first half as the Zebras built an 8-0 lead and was only beaten due to a dubious piece of refereeing and Freemisco's dawdling defending.

Ultimately a triumph for the players - apart from Freemisco who seemed to be hobbling around due to his new boots and still has yet to contribute much in a positive sense to any onfield performance. There's always next week....

Third Time Lucky?

2009-10-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

The Special One has named a seven-man squad for the Sunburned Zebras third fixture as they look to break their duck and record their opening win of the season.

Vanhoino and Latinaldo have been recalled while Paildo makes his first appearance of the season after patching up his differences with the Special One following the promise of a starting berth. Wimo, Paginho and Austisco all make way as the Special One shuffles his pack - or moves the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Paildo will apparently be sporting new white boots while Freemisco will be wearing new orange and black footwear.

This is a crucial game for Freemisco because after blaming his rotten performance in the first game on his long sleeved shirt and then holding his boots accountable for his shambolic effort in the second match, he is out of excuses. Simply put, if Freemisco plays shit this time it's probably because he is shit.

Interestingly Freemisco has decided that he and Tattersao will start on the sidelines and then come on as impact players. Apparently there's no truth to the rumour that Freemisco is starting on the bench simply to provide himself with an excuse should the Zebras make it three losses in a row.

Ricadisco

Paildo

Latinaldo

Reito

Vanhoino

Tattersao

Freemisco

Magic Touch

2009-10-03T03:25:00.001-07:00

An overwhelming 56% of voters have ruled that Freemisco's touch is worse than that of a traffic cone. The traffic cone bagged 39% while the remaining 5% of pollsters felt that an elephant in steel-capped boots had the worst control.

This is obviously good news for orange rubber cones everywhere although as yet there is no word as to whether or not Freemisco will omit himself from the starting line-up in favour of Coneiro (pictured).

Freemisco's New Boots

2009-10-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

Following his disappointing start to the season, Freemisco has splashed out on a new pair of boots in a bid to rediscover his form.

The porky midfielder has attributed his poor form to ill-fitting footwear and is vowing to bring home the bacon now he has found a more comfortable pair.

Freemisco claims that the new boots fit like a glove and we have been fortunate enough to find a picture of the midfielder ploughing towards goal in his new green boots.

In a not altogether unrelated subject, Ricadisco is currently on the verge of looking for a new club.

Not Fit To Wear The Shirt

2009-09-30T04:03:00.001-07:00

As predicted last week, it has not taken long for the Special One to fall out with Paildo over his future with the Sunburned Zebras.

After paying f £10 for his shirt (someone had to) Paildo was given the impression that he would be a key member of the starting line-up whenever he was available.

The Special One has subsequently informed his flatmate that this is not the case and although he can expect to be a member of the squad, he cannot be guaranteed a starting berth, despite the fact they live together.

Paildo has already taken retaliatory action by informing the Special One not to bother turning up to play for Paildo's works' team on Thursday.

This is not great news for the Zebras as the Special One clearly needs as much fitness work as he can get as he bids to improve his touch and cut down on the number of scoring opportunities he gift wraps for the opposition.

Paildo is rumoured to have subsequently made himself unavailable for selection next week - unconfirmed rumours suggest that he may have vowed never to play for the Zebras again - and a merry little debate is apparently going on as to whether the Special One should issue Paildo with a refund for his shirt or insist that he keeps it as a reminder of his stillborn Zebra career.

In other news, Austisco is unavailable next week as he will be playing fives but Vanhoino and Latinaldo are expected to return.

A Heartbreaking 16-5 Defeat...

2009-09-29T16:01:00.001-07:00

The Special One and the Sunburned Zebras made it two losses in a row as they succumbed to a narrow 16-5 defeat.

The Special One made numerous changes, bringing in Wimo, Paginho and Tattersao to replace the injured Vanhoino, the retired Wardlisco and the otherwise-engaged Latinaldo. However, the changes, plus the late arrival of Austisco could not prevent another defeat.

Tattersao put the Zebras 1-0 up with a clinical strike before Freemisco dithered on the edge of his own area and allowed the ball to deflect off Paginho and spin past Ricadisco.

After that it was all downhill as the Zebras collapsed against superior opposition. Tattersao did his best to keep the Zebras in touch with their opponents by firing in the goals and Ricadisco was exceptional in goal, pulling off one memorable double save.

However, the youthful enthusiasm of Wimo and Paginho was not enough and their inexperience was highlighted when they helped form a three-man wall which allowed three opponents to surge through the middle unchallenged to score another goal.

Austisco looked rather portly after stepping off the plane from Italy and his shooting boots appeared to have been mislaid by H.M. Customs as he routinely smashed the ball wide of the target. There was certainly no danger of Austisco being charged with attempting to smuggle goals into the country.

After gifting the early equaliser to the opposition, Freemisco had another night to forget, splitting his own defence with one brilliant pass to an attacker and generally looking short of form and fitness. It may be time for the Special One to consider hanging up his boots and concentrating on his managerial career before the results spiral out of control.

Squad Rotation

2009-09-29T02:17:00.000-07:00

The Special One has reacted to Wardlisco's retirement and Latinaldo's discontentment by making changes for the Sunburned Zebras' second fixture.

Tattersao and Paginho have been called into the squad alongisde Ricadisco, Reito and Freemisco himself. There are doubts as to whether Vanhoino's thigh injury will allow him to take his place in the starting line-up and after Bexfieto shunned the chance of a recall (for this week anyway), the Zebras' fitness could be tested to the limit as they bid to record their first win.

Wardlisco Retires

2009-09-27T02:16:00.000-07:00

The Special One's plans have been thrown into further turmoil with the news that injury has forced the gifted Wardlisco to call time on his football career.

Wardlisco will be much missed by the Special One (in much the same way that open goals and opportunities were much missed by Freemisco the other night) and the Sunburned Zebras resources - rather like Wardlisco's ankle ligaments - have now been stretched to breaking point.

The Special One has already bribed Ricadisco to return in goal by buying him a double caramel magnum and has also called up Paginho. Question marks remain over Latinaldo's future and Tuesday night's game promises to be a tough test.

He's Special

2009-09-25T15:54:00.000-07:00

The Special One has reacted angrily to criticism to his performance on the pitch and in the dug out during the opening defeat.

Stung by criticsm of his performance, the Special One has axed Ricadisco from goal and ordered Latinaldo to take his place between the sticks.

The Special One is set to persist with a six-man squad for the next game although youngster Paginho could be called up to provide cover.

The Special One is as yet unaware that by dropping Ricadisco he has failed to take into account the fact that Latinaldo is likely to be absent for the next fixture on account of a Champions league watching brief.

Therefore it seems possible that Freemisco may be forced to don the gloves himself, as a result of dropping his goalkeeper before ensuring his repalcement was available.

Consequently it seems likely that the pressure will continue to mount on the Special One, the man who has been named as the Moron of the Year after just one match in charge.

It could be a long season.

The White Titus Bramble

2009-09-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

Zico was known as the White Pele.

In the wake of his string of errors in the Sunburned Zebras' opening fixture, Matthew Freeman (Freemisco) has earned the nickname of the White Titus Bramble.

Judge the similarities for yourself, including the striped shirt, the rotund girth and the general air of quizzical haplessness.

Bring 'Em Back!

2009-09-23T14:32:00.000-07:00

In the wake of the Sunburned Zebras' opening 12-8 defeat, is it time for the Special One to recall old favourites Bexfieto and Keelaldo?

The talented pair are pictured here and it's fair to say that with them back in the line-up, Freemisco would not be the only Special One on the pitch.
Bring back Bexfieto!

Freemisco's New Boot Deal

2009-09-23T12:04:00.001-07:00

In the wake of his spoon-footed performance in the Sunburned Zebras' opening game, the team's inspirational playmaker Freemisco has been rewarded with a new footwear deal.

Freemisco - the man who made several goals for the opposition with his rapist's touch and clueless positional sense - has signed a deal to wear clogs.

The wooden shoes are not expected to slow Freemisco down in any way and it is hoped that the curved nature of the footwear will help compensate for his natural inability to kick the ball accurately.

Freemisco's clogs have been decorated with a special design - after all, he is the Special One.

Not A Special Start

2009-09-22T15:24:00.001-07:00

The Sunburned Zebras got off to a losing start as they crashed to a 12-8 defeat against Amigos FC.

Only Vanhoino emerged with significant credit as he banged in six goals.

The Zebras were made to pay the price for the Special One's insistence that a six-man squad would be sufficient.

Their opponents fielded an eight-man unit and frequently rotated in substitutes and with Wardlisco sufferign from an ankle injury, the Zebras were left gasping for breath and overrun.

Things almost got off to a disastrous start as Vanhoino passed back fromt he kickoff and hit his own post before anyone else had touched the ball.

Despite that letoff the Zebras soon went 2-0 down. A flowing attacking move ripped the Zebras apart for the opener before Freemisco elected not to try and cut a through ball out on the grounds it was over hit. As it transpired it was a perfectly wighted pass for the opposition striker who made it 2-0.

The Zebras pulled back to 2-2 but slipped 5-2 behind at the break.

Things deteriorated further after halftime. Freemisco gave away two goals in the space of a minute with a combination of poor positional sense and a shocking pass, only to attempt to pass the blame on to Latinaldo. This led to a typically frank exchange of views. Ricadisco made a brilliant save but gave away a penalty in the process as the Zebras went 8-4 down.

However, Vanhoino inspired a brilliant comeback as the Zebras stormed back to make it 8-8. But there was to be no fairytale. Wardlisco's injury forced him to the sidelines and Freemisco was forced to remain on the pitch where he performed a reasonable impression of Stephen Hawking with his wheelchair stuck in reverse.

A ridiculous penalty award ensued after the referee decided that Ricadisco had the athletic flexibility of a 12-year old Romanian female gymnast. The Zebras chased the game but gaps inevitably appeared and a late flurry of goals condemned the Zebras to a 12-8 defeat.

Not the greatest start but the Zebras showed enough promise to suggest that better days lie ahead. The Special One is already taking steps to strengthen the squad for next week - he is rumoured to be searching for a replacement for himself - and it is hoped that there will be at least seven Zebras on hand next week.

The New Away Shirt

2009-09-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

The Special One takes time out from his busy schedule to pose with the new Sunburned Zebras away shirt.

In the unlikely event that the Zebras' pink and black stripes should clash with an opponent, they will switch to their white change shirts with black trim and red numbers.

The picture shows the Special One holding up his personalised shirt.

The name is appropriate as is the number - indicating where he ranks in the scale of importance and significance in the elite five-a-side outfit.

The Road To Wrexham

2009-09-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

The Special One has reacted angrily to Paildo making himself unavailable for the opening match of the campaign.

Paildo is apparently heading to Wrexham to watch a match rather than playing in one on his own doorstep. Needless to say the Special One is not pleased at such a lack of commitment to the cause.

There are already rumours that the Special One intends to place Paildo on the transfer list and he may not even kick a ball in anger for the Sunburned Zebras or get the chance to pull on the famous pink and black shirt before he finds himself searching for a new club.

It remains to be seen how the Special One breaks the news of his impending release to Paildo - after all, the pair do share a flat so it is a potentially delicate, not to say incendiary situation and promises to be the biggest domestic footballing bust up since Karen Brady sold her husband Paul Peschisolido.

Opening Night

2009-09-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

Rejecting pleas from his team to select a seven-man squad for the Sunburned Zebras opening fixture with Amigos FC 1, the Special One has named a six-man squad as he attempts to kick off the campaign to get fit with a morale-boosting victory.

The Special One has selected the following team:

1 Ricadisco

2 Reito

3 Latinaldo

4 Freemisco

5 Vanhoino

6 Wardlisco

Ladbrokes have named Vanhoino as the favourite to open the scoring, with Reito ranked second favourite. Freemisco is regarded as an odds on certainty to score an own goal, receive a yellow card and refuse to go off.

Latinaldo, Wardlisco and Ricadisco are all ranked as even favourites to break down with knee problems.

The Special One

2009-09-21T03:54:00.000-07:00

The Sunburned Zebras' dreams of glory hinge on the motivational skills of Matthew Freeman.

Freeman has already proclaimed himself as The Special One, a proclamation that few would necessarily endorse with a great deal of enthusiasm.

After all, Freeman is the man who last year responded to being sent off dissent by further abusing the referee until he relented and allowed him to remain on the pitch.

This season Freeman will see his man-management skills put to the test.

He has already shown himself to be a ruthless coach. Despite Freeman's closeness and long-standing affection for his surrogate father, Steve Bexfield, Freeman has shown no qualms in terminating Bexfield's football career.

Bexfield (Bexfieto) may have salvaged Freeman's cricketing career on numerous occasions but the Special One simply decided that at nearly 42 Bexfieto was too old to handle the rigours of football and accordingly axed him with no hint of remorse, the most savage case of son turning against father since Luke Skywalker chopped off Dath Vader's hand.

Cliff Large is another to have fallen by the wayside as Freeman opts for a more youthful approach. Large (Clildo) has been made surplus to requirements, although with customary tact and diplomacy the Special One hasn't actually told him.

Ageing midfield dynamo Colin Keeley (Keelaldo) has also reached the end of the road while tough-tackling midfielder and dead-ball specialist Brodiinhosa has been omitted from the squad while Chaaldo has also no chance of featuring in the Special One's plans.

The Special One is also adamant that he will be dictating tactics on the pitch. Overruling all objections regarding formation and squad size from the more experienced players in his squad, the Special One has decreed his Zebras will play a rigid zonal 1-2-1 formation.

Consequently expect the midfield to be overrun on regular occasions and a collapse of morale at the back as strikers pour forward unchallenged to shoot on goal.

Still, presumably everything will come right on the night.

After all Matthew Freeman is calling the shots and no one can possibly deny that he is certainly special!

A New Dawn

2009-09-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

For reasons that are not immediately clear - and presumably will not become so over the coming months - the Sunburned Zebras football team are preparing to take on all comers.

Resplendent in their black and neon pink shirts (hence the name), the Sunburned Zebras are destined to make a real impact under manager / captain / kit washer / chauffeur / money collector / midfield dynamo Matthew Freeman (also known by his Brazilian name of Freemisco).

Freemisco and his fellow zebras - apparently it is a zeal of zebras - are poised to take on the footballing world and will be out to sparkle under the lights.

A new force is rising in the football jungle - the Sunburned Zebras are on the march.