Monday 8 February 2010

Report - Could Do Better.....

Freemisco: An ever-present in the team, Freemisco enjoyed some fine moments, setting up a number of goals for the opposition with some precise passes and also burying a number of goals in the back of his own net.
He recovered from a poor start to win a number of important tackles over the closing weeks of the season and after misplacing his shooting boots for a number of games, he bounced back with a bang in the season finale. Despite that he scored a lot fewer goals than he should have done and was often rubbish in front of goal.
The player manager used some curious tactics - at one point he appeared to be trying to play off side - and often used his players in their wrong positions but overall his willingness to pay the money, wash the kit, drive the coach ensured that he retains his job for another year.
Magic Moment: Last-gasp equaliser in 4-4 draw.
Not-so-magic Moment: Breaking a 6-6 deadlock by driving the crucial goal into his own net and claiming he was trying to be cunning. Cunning stunt....
Grade: C+
Paildo: It was a tough season for the Man who would be Pele, as he struggled to make an impression. He did not help his cause by regularly making himself unavailable to go and watch Luton Town. Luton Town made themselves unpopular by not playing every Tuesday night and thereby allowing Paildo to make himself avialable.
The breaks did not go for Paildo - even though he caused Ricadisco's finger to be broken due to his lack of touch - and he struggled to find the net on a regular basis. Actually he struggled to find the net at all and failed to score in 2010.
However, he always did his best - even when he was being criticised by Freemisco for not trying - and produced a storming performance in the 4-4 draw.
Magic Moment: Losing the ball in the snow.
Not-so-magic-moment: The inch perfect back pass that set up the opening goal for the opposition. Breaking Ricadisco' sfinger - but not badly enough that he couldn't type....
Grade: D++
Latinaldo: Gave everything for the cause, routinely sacrificing his body in a forlorn bid to stem the tide. Apart from a couple of brief appearances in goal where he dived out of the way at every opportunity, evidently protecting his hands like a petrified schoolgirl, Latinaldo enjoyed a storming season on the pitch.
He scored some fine long-range efforts and might have had a hat trick on one occasion had greed not got the better of him.
His real value was at the back where he made plenty of goal-saving tackles, roaring into the challenge like his favourite player Gary Neville. Despite his dodgy knees, aching back and myriad other ailments and injuries, he rarely gave less than his all for the cause, even when he found himself exposed at the back and lit up like a Christmas tree.
Magic Moment: Firing home from the halfway line.
Not-so-magic Moment: Making Freemisco cry by not lending him hid gloves.
Grade: B
Tattersao: Generally rose above the wreckage and showed signs that he could actually play the game - in other words he betrayed his teammates by exposing their incompetence.
Magic Moment: More than most.
Not-so-magic Moment: Signing for another team. Judas.
Grade: B+
Bexfieto: The Own Goal Scorer in Chief was a menace whenever he found himself on the ball. Over the course of the season Bexfieto managed to deflect, nudge, curl and slice more balls into his own net than any single striker managed. Considering he often failed to turn up this was a fine achievement. He was even more of a liability in defence than Frank Sinclair - Frank Spencer was nearer the mark.
Bexfieto would often beat two players and then concede a free kick by launching a speculative shot on goal that soared high and wide. He would then shout at himself. This was funny. Although not quite as funny as when he shouted at Freemisco.
Magic Moment: Storming out after discovering we were playing Barnfield.
Not-so-magic Moment: Scoring two own goals and gifting at least three more in his role of Santa Claus in the pre-xmas win.
Grade: D
Reito: No player in history has hit the post more times. Reito seemed to specialise in bouncing the ball off the frame of the goal rather than hitting the net. Despite that he enjoyed a strong season and regularly scored the goals that helped the Zebras avoid total humiliation.
Magic Moment: Hitting the post four times in one match.
Not-so-magic Moment: Sacrificing his record of always turning up on account of snow.
Grade: B+
Austisco: On his day he showed why he once had a trial in Manchester (probably for impersonating a striker). Austisco regularly stormed through on goal and shot straight at the keeper. He also performed some nice tricks at the back, occasionally gifting the ball to the opposition and always accepting the blame. He did his best to calm Bexfieto at critical moments. Overall he did a fine job for the Zebras - when he wasn't busy cementing his place as one of England's premier fives players - and invariably enhance his value to the team by always offering to buy the drinks.
Magic Moment: Scoring 5 in the final victory.
Not-so-magic Moment: Missing a penalty by passing it straight to the goalkeeper.
Grade: B
Ricadisco: The Zebras' Horatius often stood alone against the odds, routinely defying the opposition with a series of miraculous saves, most of which involved him diving to his right and hoping for the best.
A modest and heroic goalkeeper, Ricadisco never criticised his teammates for their shit defending or held a grudge against Paildo for causing his finger to be broken on account of his carthorse-like touch. At least 98 percent of the goals he let in were either the fault of his defenders or were scored by Bexfieto or Freemisco.
He produced a magnificent performance to limit Barnfield to 21 goals in a game where everything fell apart and Freemisco and Bexfieto seemed more concerned wth shouting at each other than tackling.
Magic Moment: Too many to mention.
Not-so-magic Moment: Kicking a backpass through his own legs into the goal in admittedly treacherously snowy conditions.
Grade: B+

Double Whammy

The Zebras closed out the season with a pair of victories that left them in fifth place in the final table.
An 8-0 thanks to a walkover victory - this was a tribute to the Special One refusing to play two games and after a season in which he has often been criticised he deserves all the credit for this victory - and a stirring fightback against the Galacticos made it a night to remember for the Zebras.
In truth it looked like it would be a typically unmemorable night. After playing some nice football and taking an early lead the Zebras contrived to allow an opposing striker to score a hat trick in less than 60 seconds as Freemisco and Latinaldo were lit up like Christmas trees at the back.
The Zebras continued to battle the odds but the game seemed all up when they fell 9-7 behind with seven minutes left as Paildo cunningly spread his legs at a free kick to allow an easy goal, one that did not do much for Ricadisco's sense of humour.
However, the Zebras stormed back. Austisco and Reito were in fine form, Latinaldo scored a stunner and Freemisco ran around in circles, tackling everything that moved and finally threatening to disappear up his own backside. The result was a burst of six goals in seven minutes to lift the Zebras to a 13-10 win and bring the curtain down on a solid season.

Tuesday 26 January 2010


The Zebras earned a 4-4 draw (and another moral victory) as they produced a heroic performance against La Galacticos.
Despite some spoon-footed shooting from the likes of Freemisco (not so much a banana shot as a banana boot), Latinaldo and Bexfieto, the Zebras fought back from 3-1 and 4-3 down to earn a deserved draw.
Paildo produced his best ever performance for the Zebras as he took on opponents and tackled as though his life depended on it, giving a fine impersonation of a ginger Kevin Nicholls with his enthusiasm and commitment.
Bexfieto proved that age is no barrier as he ran around to good effect, marshalling the back line and scoring just one own goal.
Latinaldo drilled home two goals and on another night would have scored a hat trick. Indeed, Latinaldo spent most of the second half searching in vain for his third, often spurning the chance to pass to better placed colleagues in his quest for glory. However, it was a fine display from Latinaldo who shrugged off his various ailments and moved about like a sprightly Heather Mills.
Freemisco tackled hard, shot high and wide early and often, gave the ball away frequnetly with an awful display of passing before salvaging a point at the death when he lashed home from an accute angle.
Reito had a quite game, failing to find the net but hitting the post with monotonous regularity. He ended the game in a trance after taking the ball in the face as it rebounded out after a miraculous save from Ricadisco.
Ricadisco was in majestic form. He produced a series of fine saves to repel the Galacticos in the early stages after they had been played in by Freemisco. In the second half he made some more fine stops, including one gravity-defying leap to stop the ball going in just when it seemed as if he might score an own goal with his nose. In short he was brilliant - even when given no chance by Bexfieto wildly slashing the ball into his own net - and was the main reason for the Zebras securing a point.
(Seriously, who writes this shit?)

Tuesday 19 January 2010


A depleted and weary Zebras team slid to a 13-7 loss against more youthful opponents.
Bexfieto's craven decision not to play left a gaping hole in the ranks and with Paildo, Austisco and Tattersao otherwise engaged, Freemisco was forced to call up Lito at the last moment to give the Zebras the bare bones of a five-man team.
Freemisco sprung a surprise in pushing Ricadisco into a forward role and giving Latinaldo the gloves.
This did not look to be working very well as the Zebras quickly fell behind 6-1 with Latinaldo failing to get close to anything that came his way (possibly because he kept diving the wrong way) and Ricadisco executing one or two nice flicks but generally lumbering around like a blind donkey.
A brief rally cut the gap to 6-3 at the break, including a sublime goal from Ricadisco who drilled the ball into the top corner from a tight angle for the best finish seen by a Zebra player this year. It was a quality strike by a quality player - albeit a slow, blind player - and illustrated that the man known as the Silver Bullet can still produce the goods.
Latinaldo and Ricadisco swapped roles in the second half as Ricadisco's lungs threatened to punch their way through his ribs in protest. Reito hit his third goal of the night to make it 6-4 and Latinaldo quickly set up a goal with a sweeping free kick - sadly he swept it straight to the opposition striker.
Reito made it 7-5 before Freemisco hit the post and then the Zebras were finally swamped by the constant substitutions by their opponents. Lito performed heroically in defence, making some crucial tackles and coming close to getting sent off for a couple of desperate tackles as he battled to turn back the tide.
Latinaldo drove home a fine long range effort but a late flurry of goals made it 13-7 as energy levels dipped and the valaint Zebras' rearguard were overrun.
At the end there was no doubt that the villain of the piece was the absent Bexfieto - a player who has not been seen since he gave away loads of goals with his crap defending in the last game before Christmas.
Of further concern for the Zebras is that El Spoonfoot, Freemisco, has mustered fewer goals in 2010 than Ricadisco.

Wednesday 13 January 2010


Apparently the Zebras won 8-0 without even taking the field in the week after Christmas.

Oh... We Lost Another One?

The Zebras renewed their aquaintances with Amigos and duly lost for the fourth time in four meetings.
Positivies were few and far between for the Zebras once they had fallen behind to an early goal, Ricadisco's first touch coming when he was required to pick the ball out of the net after about 17 seconds.
Freemisco put in his most impressive tackling performance of the... well, ever, actually and Austisco scored a couple of fine goals and also set up another with a brilliant piece of control and touch passing. Unfortunately he set this goal up at the wrong end.
Latinaldo hurt various parts of his ageing body while Paildo struggled to make an impact in his lone striker role. Freemisco also failed to score despite being presented with a number of relatively easy chances.
Reito returned to the side and played his customary part up front while Ricadisco made a number of smart saves diving to his right while giving his standard impersonation of a statue when the ball headed towards the left hand corner.
All in all it's fair to say the Zebras have had better days.

The Ginger Nightmare

Once upon a time
Not so long ago
Paildo's got some holes in his socks
He muffed another strike
He's down on his luck... it's tough, so tough
The Zebras don't want him to play
He's bad on the ball, he's got feet of clay
They've all had enough... enough
They say we can't hold on to what we've got
Cause it doesn't make a difference
If the goal's open or not
Paildo's shooting is a load of old rot
It's rot - Paildo should be shot
Whooah, he's got ginger hair
Whooah, he's a football nightmare
Give him a chance and he'll blaze wide I swear
Whooah, the ginger nightmare
Paildo's got the touch of a rock
He missed another chance
He's down on his luck... it's tough, so tough
The Zebras want him sent on his way
He was awful last night
How he missed that chance... no way... no way
We can't hold on to what we got
Cause it doesn't make a difference
If the goal's open or not
Paildo couldn't piss in a pot
Pisspot - Paildo's pisspot
Whooah, he's got ginger hair
Whooah, he's a football nightmare
Set him up and he'll slice it I swear
Whooah, the ginger nightmare
He's had his chances but missed the lot
He broke the corner flag with a wayward shot
Whooah, he's got ginger hair
Whooah, he's having a mare
One on one and he'll miss and won't care
Whooah, the ginger nightmare
The ginger nightmare!