Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Freemisco Wears Black Plimsolls

The Sunburnt Zebras stormed into second place in the league with a thrilling win as they overcame 11 members of the opposition, the elements and a referee with even less idea than usual.
Freemisco made a number of changes. Latinaldo was axed to allow him to watch Liverpool start their assault on Europa League glory and Paildo was left out as part of the squad rotation and because he had originally intended to go to Mansfield, not because he had had a shocker the previous week. Ricadisco returned in goal in place of Latinaldo after recovering from injury.
In their place came the ancient Bexfieto, a sprightly 42-year old sweeper with good positional sense and no legs or lungs, and the combative Brodiinhosa.
The Zebras started with their strongest ever five-man line-up, Ricadisco, Freemisco, Reito, Tattersao and Brodiinhosa.
They promptly went 1-0 down thanks to the obligatory deflected goal.
However, after that the ball was changed and the Zebras played their younger, fitter, more numerous opponents off the park.
The Zebras pulled back on level terms but were then slightly bemused when Luton Irish made four substitutions in one go, despite the fact that the league only allows eight men in a squad.
(Needless to say the Special One does not agree with eight-,an squads and continues to insist on six-man rotations.)
The Zebras gradually took control, opening up a 6-4 lead despite Ricadisco allowing a slow moving cross-cum-shot to roll through his legs and Reito blazing over when it seemed easier to score. They should also have been awarded a penalty but a blatant handball was missed by the referee. Bexfieto, resplendent in Colin Keeley autograph boots, also gave away a free kick when attempting a shot on goal as the ball sailed into orbit.
Luton Irish rallied in the closing moments of the half and subjected the Zebras goal to a fearsome assault and should have scored at least three or four goals. However, Ricadisco enjoyed a rare purple patch and was outstanding, turning away the barrage of goal-bound shots, as the Zebras took a 6-5 lead into the break.
The second half was a triumphant procession. Tattersao scored a wondrous goal from wide on the left and Freemisco sliced one into the bottom corner of the net after he failed to control it properly and it bounced off the edge of his plimsoll. To be fair it was a fine goal and Freemisco will be only too happy to tell anyone who cares to listen about it. He will also be happy to tell anyone prepared to listen that he does not wear plimsolls.
The desperate opposition tried to counter by taking free kicks to themselves (which the referee allowed), kicking and hacking (which the referee allowed) and making multiple illegal substitutions (guess what, the referee allowed them as well).
It didn't mattered as Brodiinhosa marshaled the back line and Reito and Tattersao passed and moved to good effect while Freemisco sought to bathe in the glory and adulation of his sliced wundergoal.
Ultimately the Zebras won 10-8 (though this does not accurately reflect the referee's problems with complex sums) and bagged another three points to move into second place.
God knows how, mind you.

Random Thoughts On Two Defeats....

Losing 21-6 is one thing; losing 21-6 having only been adrift 7-3 at the break is something else, especially when the goalkeeper is comfortably the best player on the pitch during the second half.
Freemisco's tactics in that dreadful second half were totally and utterly wank; at one point it appeared as though the Zebras were employing a flat back four and attempting to play the opposition offside.
Basically it was a bit crap, not least when Freemisco blasted one into his own net.
For once there was no chance of blaming the loss on the referee because the Zebras were truly awful.
The 15-6 loss wasn't too impressive either (although this was later turned into a win by default on account of the opposition failing to turn up).
Paildo produced perhaps the worst performance by a Zebra not named Freemisco, setting up the opening goal for the opposition and then being involved in Ricadisco's injury that forced the goalkeeper to go off with wrecked fingers. Freemisco blasted another one into his own net.
Latinaldo took over and let in a lot of goals with bad positional sense and by refusing to dive and earned the scorn and ire of his manager.
No one played well.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

The Referee's A Wanker

The Sunburnt Zebras kicked off their new league season with an epic victory against the odds, overcoming Jack FC 11-10 with a late goal from Tattersao.
It was a fitting reward for the Zebras who were forced to play against six men for the entire first half due to a refereeing display of breathtaking incompetence that was too biased even to be regarded as cheating. Put kindly, the referee was a blind, clueless, incompetent twat.
After the referee delayed the start of the match by 20 minutes because he needed to have a cup of coffee, the Zebras started strongly, surging into a 2-0 lead after good play from Freemisco, Latinaldo, Reito and Tattersao. With the skillful Vanhoino omitted again in favour of the more hard-working flame-haired Paildo (despite Paildo's request to be dropped), the Zebras continued to impress.
Although their opponents gradually fought back the Zebras remained on top. The Zebras were denied a blatant penalty by Referee Twat before Reito missed the opportunity to make it 5-2. The Zebras stretched their lead to 6-4 before Tattersao was sent to the sin bin for questioning another shit decision.
The Zebras briefly lost their composure as Freemisco threatened to have a tantrum before blasting the ball out of play and it was 6-5 at the break, with Tattersao facing another 90 seconds in the sin bin.
Latinaldo took charge at the start of the second half, resolving to keep possession until the Zebras were back to full strength. Unfortunately he was bundled off the ball from the restart and the score was levelled at 6-6 within about 6.3 seconds of the game getting underway again.
With Tattersao detained at Referee Twat's convenience and pleasure for nearer six minutes than the prescribed three, the Zebras fell behind 7-6. Freemsico petulantly slammed a free kick into an opponent's arse and the rebound fell kindly for a Jack striker.
The Zebras hit back to make it 8-8 before Ricadisco was beaten by a vicious swerving shot that appeared to deflect off a divot and just beat his desperate dive (OK, it was a really, really shit piece of goalkeeping).
However, the refreshed Tattersao was in inspirational form and the Zebras took a 10-9 lead before Jack equalised with a couple of minutes remaining. With the next goal looking to prove decisive both teams had chances to win. Ricadisco atoned for his earlier error with three surprisingly good saves (good by any standard but simply exceptional for a blind man who relies on the force as much as his eyesight) before Reito and Tattersao combined for the crucial goal.
Despite the referee playing extra time to allow Jack to search for an equaliser and Freemisco failing to grasp the concept of time-wasting, the Zebras held on to start their new campaign with a victory on a night when five - and sometimes four - was better than six.