Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Not Fit To Wear The Shirt

As predicted last week, it has not taken long for the Special One to fall out with Paildo over his future with the Sunburned Zebras.
After paying f £10 for his shirt (someone had to) Paildo was given the impression that he would be a key member of the starting line-up whenever he was available.
The Special One has subsequently informed his flatmate that this is not the case and although he can expect to be a member of the squad, he cannot be guaranteed a starting berth, despite the fact they live together.
Paildo has already taken retaliatory action by informing the Special One not to bother turning up to play for Paildo's works' team on Thursday.
This is not great news for the Zebras as the Special One clearly needs as much fitness work as he can get as he bids to improve his touch and cut down on the number of scoring opportunities he gift wraps for the opposition.
Paildo is rumoured to have subsequently made himself unavailable for selection next week - unconfirmed rumours suggest that he may have vowed never to play for the Zebras again - and a merry little debate is apparently going on as to whether the Special One should issue Paildo with a refund for his shirt or insist that he keeps it as a reminder of his stillborn Zebra career.
In other news, Austisco is unavailable next week as he will be playing fives but Vanhoino and Latinaldo are expected to return.

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

A Heartbreaking 16-5 Defeat...

The Special One and the Sunburned Zebras made it two losses in a row as they succumbed to a narrow 16-5 defeat.
The Special One made numerous changes, bringing in Wimo, Paginho and Tattersao to replace the injured Vanhoino, the retired Wardlisco and the otherwise-engaged Latinaldo. However, the changes, plus the late arrival of Austisco could not prevent another defeat.
Tattersao put the Zebras 1-0 up with a clinical strike before Freemisco dithered on the edge of his own area and allowed the ball to deflect off Paginho and spin past Ricadisco.
After that it was all downhill as the Zebras collapsed against superior opposition. Tattersao did his best to keep the Zebras in touch with their opponents by firing in the goals and Ricadisco was exceptional in goal, pulling off one memorable double save.
However, the youthful enthusiasm of Wimo and Paginho was not enough and their inexperience was highlighted when they helped form a three-man wall which allowed three opponents to surge through the middle unchallenged to score another goal.
Austisco looked rather portly after stepping off the plane from Italy and his shooting boots appeared to have been mislaid by H.M. Customs as he routinely smashed the ball wide of the target. There was certainly no danger of Austisco being charged with attempting to smuggle goals into the country.
After gifting the early equaliser to the opposition, Freemisco had another night to forget, splitting his own defence with one brilliant pass to an attacker and generally looking short of form and fitness. It may be time for the Special One to consider hanging up his boots and concentrating on his managerial career before the results spiral out of control.

Squad Rotation

The Special One has reacted to Wardlisco's retirement and Latinaldo's discontentment by making changes for the Sunburned Zebras' second fixture.
Tattersao and Paginho have been called into the squad alongisde Ricadisco, Reito and Freemisco himself. There are doubts as to whether Vanhoino's thigh injury will allow him to take his place in the starting line-up and after Bexfieto shunned the chance of a recall (for this week anyway), the Zebras' fitness could be tested to the limit as they bid to record their first win.

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Wardlisco Retires

The Special One's plans have been thrown into further turmoil with the news that injury has forced the gifted Wardlisco to call time on his football career.
Wardlisco will be much missed by the Special One (in much the same way that open goals and opportunities were much missed by Freemisco the other night) and the Sunburned Zebras resources - rather like Wardlisco's ankle ligaments - have now been stretched to breaking point.
The Special One has already bribed Ricadisco to return in goal by buying him a double caramel magnum and has also called up Paginho. Question marks remain over Latinaldo's future and Tuesday night's game promises to be a tough test.

Friday, 25 September 2009

He's Special

The Special One has reacted angrily to criticism to his performance on the pitch and in the dug out during the opening defeat.
Stung by criticsm of his performance, the Special One has axed Ricadisco from goal and ordered Latinaldo to take his place between the sticks.
The Special One is set to persist with a six-man squad for the next game although youngster Paginho could be called up to provide cover.
The Special One is as yet unaware that by dropping Ricadisco he has failed to take into account the fact that Latinaldo is likely to be absent for the next fixture on account of a Champions league watching brief.
Therefore it seems possible that Freemisco may be forced to don the gloves himself, as a result of dropping his goalkeeper before ensuring his repalcement was available.
Consequently it seems likely that the pressure will continue to mount on the Special One, the man who has been named as the Moron of the Year after just one match in charge.
It could be a long season.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

The White Titus Bramble

Zico was known as the White Pele.
In the wake of his string of errors in the Sunburned Zebras' opening fixture, Matthew Freeman (Freemisco) has earned the nickname of the White Titus Bramble.
Judge the similarities for yourself, including the striped shirt, the rotund girth and the general air of quizzical haplessness.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Bring 'Em Back!

In the wake of the Sunburned Zebras' opening 12-8 defeat, is it time for the Special One to recall old favourites Bexfieto and Keelaldo?
The talented pair are pictured here and it's fair to say that with them back in the line-up, Freemisco would not be the only Special One on the pitch.
Bring back Bexfieto!

Freemisco's New Boot Deal

In the wake of his spoon-footed performance in the Sunburned Zebras' opening game, the team's inspirational playmaker Freemisco has been rewarded with a new footwear deal.
Freemisco - the man who made several goals for the opposition with his rapist's touch and clueless positional sense - has signed a deal to wear clogs.
The wooden shoes are not expected to slow Freemisco down in any way and it is hoped that the curved nature of the footwear will help compensate for his natural inability to kick the ball accurately.
Freemisco's clogs have been decorated with a special design - after all, he is the Special One.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Not A Special Start

The Sunburned Zebras got off to a losing start as they crashed to a 12-8 defeat against Amigos FC.
Only Vanhoino emerged with significant credit as he banged in six goals.
The Zebras were made to pay the price for the Special One's insistence that a six-man squad would be sufficient.
Their opponents fielded an eight-man unit and frequently rotated in substitutes and with Wardlisco sufferign from an ankle injury, the Zebras were left gasping for breath and overrun.
Things almost got off to a disastrous start as Vanhoino passed back fromt he kickoff and hit his own post before anyone else had touched the ball.
Despite that letoff the Zebras soon went 2-0 down. A flowing attacking move ripped the Zebras apart for the opener before Freemisco elected not to try and cut a through ball out on the grounds it was over hit. As it transpired it was a perfectly wighted pass for the opposition striker who made it 2-0.
The Zebras pulled back to 2-2 but slipped 5-2 behind at the break.
Things deteriorated further after halftime. Freemisco gave away two goals in the space of a minute with a combination of poor positional sense and a shocking pass, only to attempt to pass the blame on to Latinaldo. This led to a typically frank exchange of views. Ricadisco made a brilliant save but gave away a penalty in the process as the Zebras went 8-4 down.
However, Vanhoino inspired a brilliant comeback as the Zebras stormed back to make it 8-8. But there was to be no fairytale. Wardlisco's injury forced him to the sidelines and Freemisco was forced to remain on the pitch where he performed a reasonable impression of Stephen Hawking with his wheelchair stuck in reverse.
A ridiculous penalty award ensued after the referee decided that Ricadisco had the athletic flexibility of a 12-year old Romanian female gymnast. The Zebras chased the game but gaps inevitably appeared and a late flurry of goals condemned the Zebras to a 12-8 defeat.
Not the greatest start but the Zebras showed enough promise to suggest that better days lie ahead. The Special One is already taking steps to strengthen the squad for next week - he is rumoured to be searching for a replacement for himself - and it is hoped that there will be at least seven Zebras on hand next week.

The New Away Shirt

The Special One takes time out from his busy schedule to pose with the new Sunburned Zebras away shirt.
In the unlikely event that the Zebras' pink and black stripes should clash with an opponent, they will switch to their white change shirts with black trim and red numbers.
The picture shows the Special One holding up his personalised shirt.
The name is appropriate as is the number - indicating where he ranks in the scale of importance and significance in the elite five-a-side outfit.

Monday, 21 September 2009

The Road To Wrexham

The Special One has reacted angrily to Paildo making himself unavailable for the opening match of the campaign.
Paildo is apparently heading to Wrexham to watch a match rather than playing in one on his own doorstep. Needless to say the Special One is not pleased at such a lack of commitment to the cause.
There are already rumours that the Special One intends to place Paildo on the transfer list and he may not even kick a ball in anger for the Sunburned Zebras or get the chance to pull on the famous pink and black shirt before he finds himself searching for a new club.
It remains to be seen how the Special One breaks the news of his impending release to Paildo - after all, the pair do share a flat so it is a potentially delicate, not to say incendiary situation and promises to be the biggest domestic footballing bust up since Karen Brady sold her husband Paul Peschisolido.

Opening Night

Rejecting pleas from his team to select a seven-man squad for the Sunburned Zebras opening fixture with Amigos FC 1, the Special One has named a six-man squad as he attempts to kick off the campaign to get fit with a morale-boosting victory.
The Special One has selected the following team:
1 Ricadisco
2 Reito
3 Latinaldo
4 Freemisco
5 Vanhoino
6 Wardlisco
Ladbrokes have named Vanhoino as the favourite to open the scoring, with Reito ranked second favourite. Freemisco is regarded as an odds on certainty to score an own goal, receive a yellow card and refuse to go off.
Latinaldo, Wardlisco and Ricadisco are all ranked as even favourites to break down with knee problems.

The Special One

The Sunburned Zebras' dreams of glory hinge on the motivational skills of Matthew Freeman.
Freeman has already proclaimed himself as The Special One, a proclamation that few would necessarily endorse with a great deal of enthusiasm.
After all, Freeman is the man who last year responded to being sent off dissent by further abusing the referee until he relented and allowed him to remain on the pitch.
This season Freeman will see his man-management skills put to the test.
He has already shown himself to be a ruthless coach. Despite Freeman's closeness and long-standing affection for his surrogate father, Steve Bexfield, Freeman has shown no qualms in terminating Bexfield's football career.
Bexfield (Bexfieto) may have salvaged Freeman's cricketing career on numerous occasions but the Special One simply decided that at nearly 42 Bexfieto was too old to handle the rigours of football and accordingly axed him with no hint of remorse, the most savage case of son turning against father since Luke Skywalker chopped off Dath Vader's hand.
Cliff Large is another to have fallen by the wayside as Freeman opts for a more youthful approach. Large (Clildo) has been made surplus to requirements, although with customary tact and diplomacy the Special One hasn't actually told him.
Ageing midfield dynamo Colin Keeley (Keelaldo) has also reached the end of the road while tough-tackling midfielder and dead-ball specialist Brodiinhosa has been omitted from the squad while Chaaldo has also no chance of featuring in the Special One's plans.
The Special One is also adamant that he will be dictating tactics on the pitch. Overruling all objections regarding formation and squad size from the more experienced players in his squad, the Special One has decreed his Zebras will play a rigid zonal 1-2-1 formation.
Consequently expect the midfield to be overrun on regular occasions and a collapse of morale at the back as strikers pour forward unchallenged to shoot on goal.
Still, presumably everything will come right on the night.
After all Matthew Freeman is calling the shots and no one can possibly deny that he is certainly special!

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

A New Dawn

For reasons that are not immediately clear - and presumably will not become so over the coming months - the Sunburned Zebras football team are preparing to take on all comers.
Resplendent in their black and neon pink shirts (hence the name), the Sunburned Zebras are destined to make a real impact under manager / captain / kit washer / chauffeur / money collector / midfield dynamo Matthew Freeman (also known by his Brazilian name of Freemisco).
Freemisco and his fellow zebras - apparently it is a zeal of zebras - are poised to take on the footballing world and will be out to sparkle under the lights.
A new force is rising in the football jungle - the Sunburned Zebras are on the march.