Tuesday, 26 January 2010


The Zebras earned a 4-4 draw (and another moral victory) as they produced a heroic performance against La Galacticos.
Despite some spoon-footed shooting from the likes of Freemisco (not so much a banana shot as a banana boot), Latinaldo and Bexfieto, the Zebras fought back from 3-1 and 4-3 down to earn a deserved draw.
Paildo produced his best ever performance for the Zebras as he took on opponents and tackled as though his life depended on it, giving a fine impersonation of a ginger Kevin Nicholls with his enthusiasm and commitment.
Bexfieto proved that age is no barrier as he ran around to good effect, marshalling the back line and scoring just one own goal.
Latinaldo drilled home two goals and on another night would have scored a hat trick. Indeed, Latinaldo spent most of the second half searching in vain for his third, often spurning the chance to pass to better placed colleagues in his quest for glory. However, it was a fine display from Latinaldo who shrugged off his various ailments and moved about like a sprightly Heather Mills.
Freemisco tackled hard, shot high and wide early and often, gave the ball away frequnetly with an awful display of passing before salvaging a point at the death when he lashed home from an accute angle.
Reito had a quite game, failing to find the net but hitting the post with monotonous regularity. He ended the game in a trance after taking the ball in the face as it rebounded out after a miraculous save from Ricadisco.
Ricadisco was in majestic form. He produced a series of fine saves to repel the Galacticos in the early stages after they had been played in by Freemisco. In the second half he made some more fine stops, including one gravity-defying leap to stop the ball going in just when it seemed as if he might score an own goal with his nose. In short he was brilliant - even when given no chance by Bexfieto wildly slashing the ball into his own net - and was the main reason for the Zebras securing a point.
(Seriously, who writes this shit?)

Tuesday, 19 January 2010


A depleted and weary Zebras team slid to a 13-7 loss against more youthful opponents.
Bexfieto's craven decision not to play left a gaping hole in the ranks and with Paildo, Austisco and Tattersao otherwise engaged, Freemisco was forced to call up Lito at the last moment to give the Zebras the bare bones of a five-man team.
Freemisco sprung a surprise in pushing Ricadisco into a forward role and giving Latinaldo the gloves.
This did not look to be working very well as the Zebras quickly fell behind 6-1 with Latinaldo failing to get close to anything that came his way (possibly because he kept diving the wrong way) and Ricadisco executing one or two nice flicks but generally lumbering around like a blind donkey.
A brief rally cut the gap to 6-3 at the break, including a sublime goal from Ricadisco who drilled the ball into the top corner from a tight angle for the best finish seen by a Zebra player this year. It was a quality strike by a quality player - albeit a slow, blind player - and illustrated that the man known as the Silver Bullet can still produce the goods.
Latinaldo and Ricadisco swapped roles in the second half as Ricadisco's lungs threatened to punch their way through his ribs in protest. Reito hit his third goal of the night to make it 6-4 and Latinaldo quickly set up a goal with a sweeping free kick - sadly he swept it straight to the opposition striker.
Reito made it 7-5 before Freemisco hit the post and then the Zebras were finally swamped by the constant substitutions by their opponents. Lito performed heroically in defence, making some crucial tackles and coming close to getting sent off for a couple of desperate tackles as he battled to turn back the tide.
Latinaldo drove home a fine long range effort but a late flurry of goals made it 13-7 as energy levels dipped and the valaint Zebras' rearguard were overrun.
At the end there was no doubt that the villain of the piece was the absent Bexfieto - a player who has not been seen since he gave away loads of goals with his crap defending in the last game before Christmas.
Of further concern for the Zebras is that El Spoonfoot, Freemisco, has mustered fewer goals in 2010 than Ricadisco.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010


Apparently the Zebras won 8-0 without even taking the field in the week after Christmas.

Oh... We Lost Another One?

The Zebras renewed their aquaintances with Amigos and duly lost for the fourth time in four meetings.
Positivies were few and far between for the Zebras once they had fallen behind to an early goal, Ricadisco's first touch coming when he was required to pick the ball out of the net after about 17 seconds.
Freemisco put in his most impressive tackling performance of the... well, ever, actually and Austisco scored a couple of fine goals and also set up another with a brilliant piece of control and touch passing. Unfortunately he set this goal up at the wrong end.
Latinaldo hurt various parts of his ageing body while Paildo struggled to make an impact in his lone striker role. Freemisco also failed to score despite being presented with a number of relatively easy chances.
Reito returned to the side and played his customary part up front while Ricadisco made a number of smart saves diving to his right while giving his standard impersonation of a statue when the ball headed towards the left hand corner.
All in all it's fair to say the Zebras have had better days.

The Ginger Nightmare

Once upon a time
Not so long ago
Paildo's got some holes in his socks
He muffed another strike
He's down on his luck... it's tough, so tough
The Zebras don't want him to play
He's bad on the ball, he's got feet of clay
They've all had enough... enough
They say we can't hold on to what we've got
Cause it doesn't make a difference
If the goal's open or not
Paildo's shooting is a load of old rot
It's rot - Paildo should be shot
Whooah, he's got ginger hair
Whooah, he's a football nightmare
Give him a chance and he'll blaze wide I swear
Whooah, the ginger nightmare
Paildo's got the touch of a rock
He missed another chance
He's down on his luck... it's tough, so tough
The Zebras want him sent on his way
He was awful last night
How he missed that chance... no way... no way
We can't hold on to what we got
Cause it doesn't make a difference
If the goal's open or not
Paildo couldn't piss in a pot
Pisspot - Paildo's pisspot
Whooah, he's got ginger hair
Whooah, he's a football nightmare
Set him up and he'll slice it I swear
Whooah, the ginger nightmare
He's had his chances but missed the lot
He broke the corner flag with a wayward shot
Whooah, he's got ginger hair
Whooah, he's having a mare
One on one and he'll miss and won't care
Whooah, the ginger nightmare
The ginger nightmare!

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Snow Joke.

The Zebras snow-ploughed their way to another defeat as they lost 11-7 in conditions that could charitably be described as ridiculous.
A combination of the Special One's natural incompetence and bad luck left the Zebras with just five players after Bexfieto opted out at the last moment and Reito was trapped in Leighton Buzzard. Needless to say it was all Freemisco's fault.
The Zebras did not start well and despite some good saves by Ricadisco they quickly found themselves 2-0 down.
Heavy snow was making it difficult to locate the ball and maintain footing and players were soon sliding all over the place.
Freemisco pulled one back before Ricadisco, apparently suffering from snow blindness, basically contrived to blast a slow-moving shot into his own net.
A moment of high farce arrived when neither Paildo, Ricadisco or the opposition striker could find the ball in the middle of the pitch. Fortunately the light from Paildo's flaming ginger hair provided him with the opportunity to locate the ball and hack it to safety.
Paildo's ginger hair shone like a belisha beacon of hope in the arctic conditions as the Zebras humped the ball forward for him to lose control and give possession back to the other team.
Latinaldo pulled a goal back before Freemisco had an emotional moment.
Freemisco was reduced to tears by the cold and claimed he could not go on without gloves, clearly dreading that never again would he be able to hold the love of his life in his arms once the frost bite had kicked in. Fortunately the manly Latinaldo took decisive action, giving Freemisco his own gloves and calling him a cunt.
Austisco drove home the equaliser and the Zebras were surprised to find themselves level at 3-3 at halftime, although not as surprised as their opponents who spent the break squabbling among themselves in a petulant manner reminiscent of Freemisco on the cricket pitch.
The Zebras went 4-3 down when Ricadisco was beaten from long range by a shot he did not see but the plucky Zebras continued to trade blows, pulling level again at 4-4. It was 5-4 moments later as the Zebras midfield parted as Freemisco bent down to tie his lace up (plimsolls don't come with velcro) and despite a double save from Ricadisco the ball ended up in the net. However, Austisco fired home to make it 5-5 and hope and parity were restored.
The game turned on two controversial incidents. The Crazy Gang took a 6-5 lead after scoring a goal from deep inside the area that should have been disallowed. However, it was controversially given.
Moments later Ricadisco pulled off a marvellous save but unfortunately Freemisco, disorientated by the snow and waddling about like Captain Oates on his last legs, ploughed into the area like Santa going down the wrong chimney and blasted the ball into his own net for his first own goal of the year (and about his eighth of the season).
The Zebras fell further adrift but they kept fighting to the end, closing the gap to 11-7 at the final whistle. Freemisco and Austisco both scored three - Freemisco rolled another shot inches wide of his own goal - and honour was satisfied at the end of the game, a game that ended with Ricadisco narrowly failing to save a slow-rolling shot from distance.
Another defeat but another moral victory for the Special One's team on a night when the snow fell, the temperature plummeted and the Zebras proved they can lose in any conditions.

Monday, 4 January 2010

Return Of The Ginger Pele

Love is in the air for Freemisco.
The Special One is currently full of goodwill and kindness for his fellow man and has extended an olive branch to Paildo.
It looked as if Paildo had played his last game as a Zebra after bungling a routine clearance and setting up an opposition striker with the chance to break Ricadisco's finger.
However, Freemisco has decided to bring back the Ginger Pele, a move that will increase the Zebras' options off the bench, although not necessarily a move that will improve their prospects of victory.
This exclusive picture shows the Ginger Pele raising a glass of refreshing orange juice to celebrate his recall.
Welcome back, Paildo!

Sunday, 3 January 2010

The New Midfield General

The Special One is considering sweeping changes as the Zebras prepare to return to action.
After insisting on choosing just six players for each previous squad, the wondrous Freemisco is rumoured to have decided to select seven players for the next game.
He is reportedly considering Latinaldo for a new role.
The Zebras have struggled to find a player to make an impact in the midfield.
At least a positive impact - Freemisco himself has used his ample frame to try and fill the void but has invariably only succeeded in blasting the ball into his own net, setting up the opposition with precision passes and generally lumbering around to no great effect.
Therefore Latinaldo is now being lined up to fill the role of midfield general.
This is a big promotion for a player who has previously spent time at the back and, on occasion, gormlessly wandering around as a striker, apparently only pushed up front to disguise Freemisco's own shortcomings or because the only alternative was the Ginger Pele, Paildo.
Latinaldo was so pleased with the news that he is being promoted to midfield general that he rushed out and bought the uniform.
Unfortunately he didn't quite understand what Freemisco was driving at...