Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Very Special

The Special One led his team to victory against the Multiple Scoregasms with one of the finest individual performances ever seen on a football pitch.
He towered over his teammates and opponents like a behemoth, a tyrannosaurus rex among lesser dinosaurs (or a bunch of old fossils).
Freemisco was in a frisky mood from this outset - a mood that may have been the result of warming up for the game by indulging in a game of touch rugby with Paildo with both players apparently wearing nothing more than their boxer shorts. Regardless, Freemisco was full of beans and eager to get to grips with the opposition.
Unfortunately he missed the start of the match after getting lost on his way to the toilet and played no part in the Zebras going down 2-0 in the early moments. The Zebras were utterly lost without their inspirational leader and didn't know what to do without the tactical genius on hand to call the shots.
A sublime pass from Paildo set up a third goal for the opposition but by this time Freemisco was on the pitch and running the show. He single-handedly orchestrated the comeback from 4-1 down to make it 4-4 at halftime.
This was Freemisco's finest hour. Despite his exhausting bout in his boxer shorts prior to kickoff, Freemisco delivered a Trojan-like performance, running up and down the pitch with lung-bursting endeavour.
The Special One slammed in four goals, bending in a free kick, bursting the net from long range and adding two more as he produced his best performance of the season. Furthermore Freemisco only served up one goal on a platter for the opposition as he kept his errant passes to a minimum and managed to avoid the gormless errors that have plagued him all season.
In contrast Paildo seemed to be suffering from the effects of his pre-match workout and was pretty dreadful, repeatedly displaying the touch of a rapist. His white boots may have sparkled beneath the floodlights but his first touch was reminiscent of Peter Sutcliffe let loose on a football pitch.
Reito also bagged a hat trick and Latinaldo scored twice while Austisco added the remaining goal. Ricadisco pulled off a number of stunning saves but none of the players could be compared to Freemisco. They were merely bit-part players alongside the legendary Special One.
This was Freemisco's time to shine, his day in the sun, the day where he atoned for five weeks of utterly wank performances with one redeeming heroic effort.
Well played, Freemsico.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Same Shit, Different Day

The lights went out on the Sunburned Zebras as they crashed to another defeat on a night defined by betrayal.
The Special One had already been basely betrayed by Paildo and Latinaldo - both of whom preferred to watch football rather than stand alongside their comrades - before Vanhoino's body betrayed him and the playmaker's knee buckled beneath him and he had to be helped to the sidelines.
The Zebras played some fine football, Vanhoino slamming in a couple of early goals, Paginho scoring a cracker and Freemisco himself scoring with a twice-taken penalty. Reito gave everything for the cause and Ricadisco made some tremendous saves, including blocking one point blank effort with his testicles, a save that left his eyes watering.
Ultimately it was to no avail. Freemisco's patented impression of a traffic cop betrayed the team again as he allowed strikers to run through on goal unmolested. Freemisco set the tone with the opening goal as he stood statue-like as the striker crashed the ball home to cancel out a short-lived Zebra lead.
Wimo unleashed the worst shot in the history of football, blazing 25 feet over form the edge of the box. The referee was typically useless and biased against the Zebras, making some curious decisions that hardly helped the cause.
All in all, not an especially good day out.

Monday, 19 October 2009

Children Are The Future

The Special One faces a crisis ahead of the Zebras latest game with players dropping by the wayside.
Paildo has pulled out again to watch non-league football and Latinaldo has turned his back on the sqaud after the Special One refused to drive him to Milton Keynes on Sunday morning. Two-sport star Austisco is also unavailable.
Consequently the Special One has put his faith in youth and selected two of the youngest members of the squad for the match, Wimo and Paginho, spurning the claims of the ageing Bexfieto who had been hoping for a recall.

Thursday, 15 October 2009


The Special One paid a heavy price for falling out with star man Paildo hours before kickoff as the Zebras crashed to a heartbreaking last minute loss to Sporting Lesbian.
Paildo pulled out at the eleventh hour, rumoured to be unhappy about the manner in which the Special One had persistently run around their shared living accommodation lifting plates above his head in triumph while shouting, "I've won the Community Shield!"
Paildo's absence meant that the Zebras were forced to play with just six men. Therefore it was particularly ironic that Freemisco - who had already given away five of the first six goals with the combination of his rapist's touch and lack of positional awareness - was culpable for the winning goal in the dying seconds.
Freemisco's fading fitness meant he was unable to react to Ricadisco's perfectly weighted throw. With Freemisco labouring towards the ball like a mortally wounded woolly mammoth, the Lesbian striker pounced, nipping into steal the ball before unleashing a lethal strike that rocketed into the corner of the net to make it 7-6 with seconds remaining.
There was no way back.
Despite the result the Zebras produced a gallant performance. There were heroes everywhere as the Zebras battled back from 5-3 and 6-5 down to stand on the verge of gaining a well deserved point.
Vanhoino had a fine game (apart from when he set up an opposition goal with a pass so bad that Freemisco would have been ashamed), Austisco scored with a cracking shot, Latinaldo ran around to great effect and gave his knees and lungs for the cause, Ricadisco pulled off save after save, Reito was inspired and even Freemisco had a couple of nice touches.
Freemisco scored one fine goal, albeit a strike that could not quite balance out his myriad errors. He also made a couple of interceptions and did a nice job of carrying the ball from side to side without making any real progress, bossing his own third of the pitch like a slow moving crab.
In fact this may have been Freemisco's best game of the season, scoring one, making one and only giving away five. Even then he had an excuse ready as he gift-wrapped a perfect scoring chance to his opponent, like one of Santa's little elves handing over a present. Freemisco blamed his latest blunder on Ricadisco because the goalkeeper had shouted at him and put him off...
If only he could pass a ball like he passes the buck.
Still, it's a team game and the Zebras win as a team and lose as a team so this is the time to stick together, show solidarity with one another and not place the blame on any one individual. Remember, there is no 'i' in team. But. as Freemisco knows only too well, there is a 'div' in individual!

Monday, 12 October 2009

Two In A Row?

The Special One has announced a seven-man squad to take on Sporting Lesbian FC. The manager is promising to play sexy football - apparently his team have been given a license to roam - as the Sunburned Zebras look to make it two wins in a row.
It's rare for a couple of the Zebras to be officially given a license. According to Latinaldo both Freemisco and Paildo obtained their licenses unofficially by stumping up the necessary wherewithal and handing over an envelope full of cash to a local forger in exchange for the documents that let them loose on the roads.
Freemisco has reacted angrily to criticism of his performances in the first three games. This is a good sign as it would be very disappointing if he was happy with the form he has shown thus far. Indeed, if he were happy with the level of his performances to date it would mean that he is a very average player, one more capable of creating goal-scoring opportunities for the opposition than for his own team.
Freemisco's ability to split his own defence open with a catastrophic pass and persistent negligence in picking up his man has directly resulted in 27% of the goals (approximately) that the Zebras have conceded thus far.
Freemisco has promised that he will play with the verve and touch of a young Zinedine Zidane - presumably this means that he will be looking to headbutt an opponent at the earliest opportunity.
In the unlikely event that Freemisco is able to live up to his extravagant claim that he is the new Zidane, the Zebras will surely storm to victory and give the Lesbians a licking.

Sunday, 11 October 2009


It was a triumph for player power as the Sunburned Zebras ignored their manager's negative tactics and cast off the shackles to produce a scintillating performance.
After being held in check for so long by the Special One's gormless faith in zonal marking and defensive approach to the beautiful game, the Zebras poured forward against their opponents, unleashing wave after wave of attacks on the Multiple Scoregasm goal.
The result was a 15-2 triumph for the five players - Ricadisco, Latinaldo, Paildo, Reito and Vanhoino. Freemisco also played a part but it was largely restricted to giving away the second goal by his refusal to track back and mark his man. He did score a penalty but by that stage the hard work and flowing football of his teammates had done the damage.
There were heroes everywhere - especially at the start when Freemisco was left to watch proceedings unfold from the sideline.
Paildo produced some glorious touches in his shining white boots, footwear that lit up the Stopsley night far more effectively than the floodlights.
Latinaldo was superb, covering every balde of plastic as he ran around tirelessly in circles like the love child of Heather Mills and Jamies Carragher, eventually threatening to vanish up his own backside.
Reito was nerveless in front of goal, taking advantage of a number of opportunites that came his way and beating the keeper with clinical ease.
Vanhoino excelled after missing an early penalty - a miss that brought loud condemnation from his own manager. Vanhoino grew in stature as the game progressed, threading killer passes through to Reito and taking on the keeper when the opportunity allowed. He also did a fine job at the back, covering runners and marshalling the back line until Freemisco betrayed him with his wanton lack of effort.
Despite Freemisco's casual approach to defending he was frequently bailed out by a stunning display in goal from Ricadisco. The goalkeeper kept a clean sheet in the first half as the Zebras built an 8-0 lead and was only beaten due to a dubious piece of refereeing and Freemisco's dawdling defending.
Ultimately a triumph for the players - apart from Freemisco who seemed to be hobbling around due to his new boots and still has yet to contribute much in a positive sense to any onfield performance. There's always next week....

Monday, 5 October 2009

Third Time Lucky?

The Special One has named a seven-man squad for the Sunburned Zebras third fixture as they look to break their duck and record their opening win of the season.
Vanhoino and Latinaldo have been recalled while Paildo makes his first appearance of the season after patching up his differences with the Special One following the promise of a starting berth. Wimo, Paginho and Austisco all make way as the Special One shuffles his pack - or moves the deck chairs on the Titanic.
Paildo will apparently be sporting new white boots while Freemisco will be wearing new orange and black footwear.
This is a crucial game for Freemisco because after blaming his rotten performance in the first game on his long sleeved shirt and then holding his boots accountable for his shambolic effort in the second match, he is out of excuses. Simply put, if Freemisco plays shit this time it's probably because he is shit.
Interestingly Freemisco has decided that he and Tattersao will start on the sidelines and then come on as impact players. Apparently there's no truth to the rumour that Freemisco is starting on the bench simply to provide himself with an excuse should the Zebras make it three losses in a row.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Magic Touch

An overwhelming 56% of voters have ruled that Freemisco's touch is worse than that of a traffic cone. The traffic cone bagged 39% while the remaining 5% of pollsters felt that an elephant in steel-capped boots had the worst control.
This is obviously good news for orange rubber cones everywhere although as yet there is no word as to whether or not Freemisco will omit himself from the starting line-up in favour of Coneiro (pictured).

Friday, 2 October 2009

Freemisco's New Boots

Following his disappointing start to the season, Freemisco has splashed out on a new pair of boots in a bid to rediscover his form.
The porky midfielder has attributed his poor form to ill-fitting footwear and is vowing to bring home the bacon now he has found a more comfortable pair.
Freemisco claims that the new boots fit like a glove and we have been fortunate enough to find a picture of the midfielder ploughing towards goal in his new green boots.
In a not altogether unrelated subject, Ricadisco is currently on the verge of looking for a new club.