Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Christmas Comes Early But Zebras Storm Home

Bexfieto played the role of Santa Claus to perfection, scoring two own goals and setting up two more for the Multiple Scoregasms, but the Sunburnt Zebras proved unstoppable in front of goal as they stormed to a 17-9 victory.
The Zebras took charge early in the piece on a freezing cold night. With Latinaldo joining former Zebra Paildo at a chav pop concert, Bexfieto, Tattersao, Freemisco and Reito did enough to build a 3-0 lead.
Things were briefly allowed to slip when Austisco replaced Reito. Austisco ran around like a ballet dancer with a wasp in his tights, contribtuing to the opposition's opening goal as he failed to make an impact. Poor defending by Bexfieto culminated in him deflecting the ball past Ricadisco but the Zebras hit back to take a commanding 8-4 lead into halftime.
The goals continued to come in the second half as all the Zebras found the net, Bexfieto displaying far more poise going forward than defending. He gifted another goal to the opposition when he allowed himself to be turned inside out like an erotic dancer with her pole and also prodded another own goal past the disgruntled Ricadisco which made you wonder if he had been taking lessons from Freemisco.
All in all it was a good night for the Zebras as they found their shooting boots - Freemisco's shooting plimsolls brought him a numebr of goals but also conceded a number of free kicks as he routinely leaned back to shoot in the manner of a Subbuteo corner kicker - while Tattersao banged in a number of goals.
It was also a good night for the opposition as they enjoyed their early presents from Bexfieto.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Is A 12-3 Loss A Moral Victory?

Following last week's unfortunate 21-2 defeat against Barnfield, the Zebras were less than thrilled to discover that they were facing the same opponents.
This was another piece of brilliance from the tournament organisers and did not go down well with Zebra management or players.
The Special One, Freemisco, briefly threatened to refuse to play while Bexfieto actually stormed out of the building after discovering the identity of the opposition.
To be fair to Bexfieto, much of his anger was directed at Freemisco who had cunningly picked a five-man squad.
With Reito and Tattersao relaxing on a beach somewhere, and Paildo exiled forever, Freemisco recalled Vanhoino and Brodhiinosa. Unfortunately both bailed out at a late stage (excuses ranged from iffy to poor) which meant it was impossible for Freemisco to call up replacements.
Consequently an indignant Bexfieto found himself lining up alongside Freemisco, Latinaldo, Austisco and Ricadisco.
Not for the first time things did not begin well as the Zebras argued among themselves over tactics. The portly Freemisco insisted that he should stay at the back to marshal the defence, despite the fact that he floats around with all the speed and verve of a leaking air ship.
Eventually he was forced to push forward with Latinaldo and Bexfieto holding the line. This worked so well that Barnfield hit the post before the Zebras touched the ball.
Chances began to come for Barnfield and it was no real surprise when they broke Ricadisco's gallant resistance to open the scoring. Despite Bexfieto's best attempts to waste time and hold on to the ball, a lack of fitness and skill began to tell as Austisco and Freemisco were unable to saty with their runners. The result was a 4-0 lead and the very real prospect of the Zebras being blanked.
However, the Zebras got the goal they deserved when Freemisco found the back of the net. He was so pleased with this effort that he promptly unleashed a free kick which sailed over head height, thus conceding another free kick and setting up a quick counter attack which would have ended in disaster but for a combination of brilliant goalkeeping and crap finishing. Nevertheless the Zebras trailed 5-1 at the break, an improvement on 10-1 from the previous week.
Sadly the second half did not begin well. Bexfieto spat the dummy, raging at Freemisco that, "You're fucking shit! Don't fucking tell me how to play football!"
That led to a disastrous burst of three goals in two minutes, Freemisco setting up one goal with a beautiful pass that begged to be slammed into the net, as he threatened to stop trying because his father-figure, the ageing Bexfieto, had shouted at him.
Surprisingly the Zebras rallied. Austisco used conciliatory language to get the team back on track (as befits a man of Brazilian and Swiss heritage) and Freemisco cut the gap to 10-2.
Austisco missed a sitter but was rewarded with a penalty. He took the kick himself but produced a lame shot, worthy of a lame child (or a Wolves player) which was easily saved, but the kick was ordered to be retaken. Freemisco stepped up to ram the ball home to complete his hat-trick and the Zebras had life at 10-3.
Not much life.
The midfield was overrun in the closing stages as Freemisco decided that he'd done his bit. Latinaldo and Bexfieto produced some tough tackles but were swamped by attackers and only some sensational goalkeeping kept the score down to 12-3.
However, it represented a triumph for the Zebras as they conceded nine fewer goals and bagged one more than last week; if they can maintain this rate of improvement they should beat Barnfield the next time they play them; which knowing the brilliant organsiational skills at Stopsley should be next week.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Freemisco Shoots! Freemisco Scores! Another Bloody Own Goal!

For the fourth time in five games, Freemisco sent an unstoppable shot crashing past his own goalkeeper.
Whereas the other three goals had simply added to the scale of defeat, this one proved crucial as it gave Amigos a 6-5 lead with minutes to play, thereby ruining a heroic effort from the Sunburned Zebras.
Following hard on the heels of their slightly disappointing 21-2 defeat earlier in the evening, the Zebras produced a masterful display to take a 1-0 lead at halftime against the strongly fancied Amigos who had won all three previous meetings between the teams.
Reito's goal separated the teams at the break after a half that saw some outstanding defensive play from Bexfieto and Latinaldo (Freemisco was parked on the bench for a good portion of the half) and some fine saves from Ricadisco. Tattersao played heroically up front as he roamed and rambled around like a short, fat, white Drogba and the only real controversy came when Freemisco walked into the way of a softly thrown football and had to be spoken to by the referee after complaining.
The Zebras hopes of a famous victory started to collapse after the break. Freemisco conceded a free kick that led to the equaliser before he went down in the corner, crumpling in a heap, evidently the victim of a Floyd Mayweather pile driver. The referee waved play on and the Zebras found themselves 2-1 down. Moments later it was 4-1 as Freemisco once again displayed his concinetious objections to defending.
However, the Zebras stormed back. Latinaldo curled home a glorious shot as his intended cross-filed pass was caught by the wind and blown into the bottom corner. Tattersao made it 4-3 and then Freemisco found the speck of gold that lay inside the sack of shite that was his performance on the night to make it 4-4 with a thunderous effort.
Even after the Amigos made it 5-4 Bexfieto stormed through the defence to equalise and then missed a glorious chance to make it 6-5.
And then disaster struck.
Freemsico, for once breaking the habit of a lifetime by tracking back and trying to mark his man, stretched for a cross. In his own mind he was trying to be crafty, hoping to play a quick one-two with his own goal post before setting off up field on a barnstorming run.
Unfortunately Freemisco proved to be about as crafty as a retard who has been expelled from Crafty School for being utterly un-crafty.
He reached for the ball and lashed a shot past Ricadisco, sending the ball into the bottom corner of the net, to condemn the Zebras to another defeat.
To be fair you win as a team and lose as a team but sometimes - and last night was certainly one of those times - you lose because you have Freemisco in your team.

21 Fucking 2

The Sunburned Zebras enjoyed a torrid evening as they dropped a heart-breaking 21-2 loss to Barnfield.
On a freezing cold night, the Zebras' six-man squad was exposed by the elements and a younger, swifter, more talented opposition.
Following the announcement that Paildo had been given a free transfer and apparently played his last game in the famous pink and black stripes, Freemisco named his customary six-man squad. Bexfieto briefly threatened to walk out in protest but eventually stayed to play his part.
In many ways the game was all about Freemisco.
Not only did he get his tactics and squad selection wrong (as usual) he also produced the worst performance ever seen by a Zebra player.
Quite simply he was abject, routinely giving the ball away, failing to make regulations tackles or track his man, allowing opponents to waltz through the midfield area he claimed to be protecting and generally proving about as effective as a chocolate teapot. The only time he got a shot on target all game was when he intercepted an aimless cross-field pass and blasted it into his own net.
In truth it was not a great performance as Barnfield hit the post twice and Ricadisco made four fine saves before the floodgates opened.
Reito and Tattersao both scored good goals to avoid the ignominy of a shut out but with Freemisco encouraging the opposition to score at will as he delivered a fine impersonation of a pink and black lettuce, it was no surprise that the Zebras were overrun.
Ricadisco performed heroics in goal, turning away numerous goal bound shots and for once failing to dive over any soft shots or let the ball roll through his legs. It mattered not that he was beaten 21 times as he still turned in a man of the match performance, although in the greater scheme of things the man who played the key role in Barnfield racking up 21 goals was, of course, Freemisco.